Pretty But Hurting (Episode 25)

🎧 Think having it all means feeling confident? Think again. In this powerful episode, licensed therapist Krystle Hearley shatters the myth that external success equals inner peace. Through her own raw and honest story, she reveals how society's "perfect package" doesn't guarantee self-worth.

Get ready for a mind-opening conversation that proves you're not alone in your self-doubt, even when everyone thinks you should feel on top of the world. Krystle opens up about navigating her own journey to self-worth, showing how external validation and internal value don't always match up.

This eye-opening episode explores:

• Why having it all on the outside doesn't fix what's inside
• The hidden struggles behind seeming perfection
• Breaking free from society's expectations
• Building real self-worth beyond achievements
• Finding authentic confidence in a filtered world
• The truth about what really creates inner peace

Perfect for: Teens feeling pressure to be perfect, high achievers struggling with self-doubt, anyone comparing themselves to others, and those seeking genuine self-acceptance.

Features vulnerable insights from a mental health professional who's been there, offering both professional expertise and personal understanding.

Call or Text Krystle Hearley at

(516) 500-1548

For more information:

https://www.khmhc.com/

Transcript

Welcome to Mindshift Power podcast, a show for teenagers and the adults who work with them, where we have raw and honest conversations. I'm your host, Fatima Bey, the mind shifter. And welcome. Today, we have with us Krystle Hearley. She is the owner of Krystle Hearley counseling.

She's out of Albany, New York. She's a licensed mental health counselor, confidence and a confidence in and dating coach. But we're actually not here to talk about her titles. We're actually here she's here to talk about her journey. Now I've known Krystle for a while, and this is an audio podcast, and you might see a picture of her on the cover.

But in person, she is absolutely gorgeous, and, she's very, very pretty. She has a very nice body. A lot of the the bodies that we all idolize as we were kids and were presented to us in magazines, she actually has for real. And she is a J Lo level talented dancer to boot. Now I'm mentioning those details because those are very relevant to what we're gonna talk about today.

But I wanna I wanna ask this. I want you guys to think about this. With everything I just described with this absolutely gorgeous appealing to the eye woman, do you think that makes her confident? And we're gonna talk about that today. So, Crystal, how are you doing today?

I'm doing much better now. Thank you for that. Thank you for that beautiful, introduction. We should really hang out more often. Now I want you to tell us a little bit about what's your backstory?

How did you grow up? So how did I grow up? I grew up in a in a small town, and relevant to our conversation, I did not feel pretty. I felt like the other girls were all prettier than me, that the boys wanted the other girls, that I thought that my thighs were tree trunks. You know, I never wanted to wear shorts.

But regardless of all that, I it was a small high school. There was only 75 of us. So we all knew each other. We all knew everyone's business. And, you know, I felt different.

So that's really lonely. And mind you, this was before social media and all the online connections. So I remember in high school when we got instant messenger, and I would, like, wait for boys to message me and stuff. So it's it's been a part of it's a part of everyone's life, you know, wanting to feel attractive to the other sex or whoever we are attracted to. Yeah.

And I will also wanna mention, this was before big booties were in. That is so true. Because this girl girl's got a booty. And I was at I was at a sleepover once, and I'll I'll never forget these kinds of things. It's a great point that you make because, like, that's something that some people look for, like, would want to have.

And I remember being at a sleepover, laying on my stomach, all the girls we were watching a movie, and someone made a comment about how my butt stood out compared to everyone else. And it's like, now it's funny, but those things really stick with you. Mhmm. Yeah. And and you grew up in an era where it still wasn't now teenagers know people getting BBLs and trying to make their butts all big.

But Right. Back then, it was, you know, you had a black girl booty and you're white. Oh my god. You know, that kind of a thing. I mean, that was real.

It was. And and that did not help your self esteem. Even though now it's, like, coveted, But, you know, growing up for you, it wasn't something that you coveted or or felt great about. I want you to answer this. You talked about a little bit, but I want you to answer this a little bit more in-depth because I know there are a lot of girls out there right now who are just like you.

I'm having this episode because there are a lot of girls out there who look amazing, and we look at them and they look appealing. And because they look appealing, we make an assumption that they're confident and that they know that they're as beautiful as they are physically. Did the fact that you were pretty make you confident? Absolutely not. So it's interesting because we look at ourselves every single day, multiple times a day.

And, like, when you don't see someone for a while, you look at them overall. Like, we see each other so much that we stare at our imperfections. The imperfections really stand out to us. So similar to most, that's what I focused on. Like, how could someone think that I'm pretty with this nose that has a bump in it?

How could someone think that I'm pretty with when I can't wear the same size clothes as my friends? Like, I couldn't share clothes with my friends. Like, I'm different, so how could I possibly be pretty? Mhmm. And I really hate that you thought that about yourself, and I hate that there's so many other girls out there right now that are thinking about themselves that way.

Do you think that comparison was a part of that problem thought pattern? Absolutely. But it was out of my awareness. I didn't know what I was doing. And I do love that about maybe not specifically social well, no.

It's tough on social media because we can compare to so many people, but I do think that the fact that we compare is more common knowledge. Easier said than done. Like, we still do compare, but it's like maybe it's about noticing all of the ways that we compare. Like, maybe we have this knowledge. Like, yeah, people compare each other ourselves to each other, but maybe it's about honing in on, like, every little thing that we do compare.

Mhmm. We often when when when I was younger and even when you were younger, the comparisons that we would make would be to those in the magazines or those on TV. Now the comparisons are on social media instead because we're not paying attention to TV and magazine anymore. I mean, let's just be real. We're paying attention to what's on social media.

And I mean, at any age I mean, the older you are, the more likely you might still be paying attention to TV and magazines. But for anyone 30, that's not what they're looking. It's it's for the most part on social media, and we're still comparing our ourselves in ways that we shouldn't. Well, the the listeners may have heard me say this before. And as you know, I make and design wedding gowns.

I do alterations. I work with prom girls and and brides. Something that I hate, I absolutely loathe, and I see it all the time, is the comparison that that some of these girls, brides, but especially prom girls, will compare themselves to something that isn't even freaking real. Yeah. They're like they don't like their bodies because they have a freaking uterus, so it's not flat.

You know? Right. And it's like, it's not supposed to be. That's actually not normal. And they look at all of these you know, when we grew up, they were airbrushed images, but now they're filters.

We look at all these filters that make us look like something we're we're not in reality, and we and they compare themselves. And that is a huge, huge mistake. It's just a giant, giant mistake. Would you agree? I do agree.

And it's important to mention that so in TV and magazines and stuff, there is definitely more variety represented. Yeah. But it's like the, variety that we're still comfortable with. But on social media Good point. People get to pick exactly what they put on.

So they only pick what they think or will get positive feedback. Or if a if a picture isn't perfect, when they take it in reality, they get to change the picture before they post it. So we really are seeing the highlight reels. And I'm sorry, but even when people post to express sadness or, like, this is the real me. I need to vent online.

We'll see some of those posts sometimes. Mhmm. That is still they are sharing what they choose to share. Yes. And some of those are just for attention.

Some of those are real. Absolutely. And some of those are just for attention. And so we have to be mindful and careful, when assuming that it's everything. Because, you know, I'm I'm a person where I share on social media, but you're you're not gonna know what's going on in my life at social media because I Unless you want us to.

Yep. Right. I ain't putting all that out there. I I ain't crazy. So I, you know, I'm not putting all that out there.

You see what I want you to see. And I will tell you about my victories, but I don't tell you about all my failures. And I definitely have some, and I definitely have some shortcomings. But I'm not putting it out there. I will put it out there if I think it's gonna help people, and I'm willing to have a discussion about it.

But you're not seeing all of me. Even though I'm extremely transparent, you're still not gonna see all of me just, like, just because it's out of wisdom. Some things maybe I'm still dealing with and I'm ready to talk about, and some things just not wise to put out there because somebody's gonna pull it up twenty years from now and claim that you're something you're not because they do it to politicians all the time. I wanna talk about the something that we talked about off air. And what are the what are the different kinds of confidences?

Because we talked about the fact that there are different kinds of confidences, and that definitely relates to this conversation. So explain to to the to the audience what you were saying to me. Yeah. And learning this concept, I think, was one of the biggest keys for having better confidence. Mhmm.

Because when I was younger, I might have confidence in my ability to play softball, or I had confidence in, that's about it. No. No. In my ability to play the trumpet because I was first seat or something. And that's, again, outside validation.

I felt confident in playing the trumpet because I had the title of first seat in the band. So those kinds or same with softball. I felt confident because I got feedback from my coach that, hey. You're doing good. I want you to start kind of thing.

So we have to remember we're getting all those outside messages. So there's confidence in our abilities like I just described, but then there's a whole another level of confidence where we are confident in the human being that we are, that I can take up space, that I can be here, and I am enough. I am breathing, so I deserve good things to come to my life. Like, just that foundational, like, if I mess up, I am still confident in me as a human being. If this doesn't go as planned, I'm still gonna be okay.

Like, that foundational doesn't have to be perfect. I don't have to be the best, and I'm still confident in myself. Does that make sense? Am I Absolutely. I wanna dial back a little bit to what you said at first, the first kind of confidence in your ability and related to exactly this conversation.

We assume that confidence one is confidence two, and it's not. We assume that because we're confident and that we're pretty, we're confident and that we're a good singer, or some other very on the surface thing that we can see that we assume that that means that that person is also confidence in who confident in who they are, and that is absolutely not true. You really have to get to know people to see whether or not they're actually confident, and there's always a million clues. And don't assume that because they're confident in their looks, that they're confident in their character. They're confident in, like you say, who they are as a human being.

And I know they're for the girls out there listening right now who were talking to you, you know you're pretty because everybody tells you that. You hear that from all the outside sources, but you still don't believe in yourself. I want you to listen to what Crystal is saying because she once was you too, and now she is more confident. Yeah. On a scale of one to 10, Crystal, zero being no confidence at all, 10 being the absolute best confidence, You were once I don't know what number.

I'm gonna say a three or four. Sure. Definitely. But what number would you give yourself now in life? It's a great question.

I love that question because it's it's not about having total confidence or zero confidence. It it is a scale. I would say I'm at, like, an eight. It's progressive. And that's the thing is we build ourselves.

Do not ever expect that I built my confidence. I went from a to z overnight. You can you can go to a to z overnight, but then you gotta wake up. So reality is it's a progress. Progress is a is a process.

Sorry. Progress is a process. And the fact that you went from three, four, whatever number you were, to an eight now is huge. And for girls listening right now, the fact that you might feel like you're a three or four, don't worry about getting to a 10. Get to a five.

Love it. Yes. Get to a five, keep doing the things that helped you get from four to five so that you can get to a six, etcetera, etcetera. Keep moving on. And there are a lot of girls out there right now.

I want you to know, and and Crystal wants you to know, you're not alone. You're not alone, you know, just because people build you up because you're a good singer. We see it in famous people all the time. Yeah. People become famous because they can rap.

They can sing. They can dance. They can play an instrument. They can act, and they become award winning whatever. They can write whatever their talents are, and they become award winning, and they become super famous.

But if we really sit down and listen to their hearts, they have a confidence level of a three Because those things are just things. They're stuff. Yes. They're they matter, but they're not necessarily who you are as a person. And what what do you have to say to the girls out there right now who are where you were?

They get accolades. They get praised because they look good. They're confident maybe in certain areas. But at their heart of their heart, they know they do not believe in themselves. What do you say to them?

That's a deep question. So I would say that, one, you do have talent. That's great. Like, enjoy that. But the reason we feel confident in that talent is because of external validation.

People have told us that we're good singers or people have told us that we're pretty. So to acknowledge that, you know, the first step is sometimes even saying, you know, so and so said that I'm pretty. In my head, like, words are important. So instead of saying, like, I'm pretty because so and so thinks I'm pretty, sitting with that and being like, do I believe I'm pretty? It don't it you know, the confidence comes from when I believe that I'm pretty, when I believe that I'm a a good enough singer for the level of singing ability that I wanna be and really embracing it from what I believe about myself.

And when and I completely agree. But when that belief is low, when that belief is bad, when that belief is not that I have any value other than my nice ass, what can they do? That is a deep question. I believe that it comes down to how we talk to ourself. It comes down to words.

We want to be awesome at everything. Like, it's it's human nature to wanna be beautiful, talented, successful, lots of friends, great clothes. The list goes on and on. But in reality, you know, we don't know. We're not gonna have all of those things.

And saying to ourself, being okay with okay. Like your scale question. I love that. On a scale of one to 10, how good of a singer do I think I am? If it's a three, that doesn't define me.

I, for the record, am a horrendous singer. Nobody wants to hear me sing. But I am still a confident person because I've decided I'm not pursuing singing as a profession. I don't need to be a good singer. I acknowledge that I'm not a good singer, and singing is only one part of me.

You know, the clothes that I wear is only one part of me. Right. My weight is only one part of me. My my success or how the family that I'm attached to is only one part of me. So finding coming to peace, you know, if I don't feel so great about something, either I can take steps to improve it, or I can accept that about myself and put my energy elsewhere.

I'm gonna piggyback off of what you just said because I think what you said is is very clear, precise, and and and real. And I agree. I think sometimes a a way out of that is to make a decision that you're going and it's a decision. And it's a process. It's not instantaneous.

So please understand if you're listening, do not expect to have instantaneous results no matter what you do or who you talk to. Expect to have results as you take advice and implement it little by little. So make a decision, young woman or young man because the male version of this looks a little different. But guys go through this too. Especially people who play sports, they go through it the most, actually.

But they're they don't talk about it as much because they have to be manly and, you know, and not admit it. But, focus on what gifts you do have. What talents do you have? Discover those because those will help you to understand the value that you have. Stop comparing yourself to, you know, to something you're not.

A bird should not compare itself to an elephant. That's just dumb. They ain't the same. Amen. Don't compare yourself to me.

You're not me. You are you. And, you know, I I can sing, but I ain't Beyonce. So I'm not comparing myself to Beyonce. I'm not trying to make a career out of singing.

I will use singing in other things that I do, but it's not a career choice for me or desire. So why do I why would I wanna compare my voice against someone who's a professional singer and does it for a living. For what? All that's gonna do is put me down and make me feel bad about myself, bring me to misery, and not help me to move forward in the beautiful gifts that I do have. I love that.

And, yeah, it's like, again, just circling back to the words that we use. Yes. I I think I'm a decent singer, but I'm no Beyonce. Like, we're judging ourselves when we say things like that. Yes.

And that's that's to say, I'm a decent singer for for you. I'm a great singer. I'm not pursuing a professional career in singing. So we don't even need to follow-up with, like, but I'm no Beyonce. Like, I I am what I am, and I use it the way I use it.

Yeah. But you know what? Beyonce ain't me either. Exactly. Because we have different gifts and talents.

You know what I mean? Yes. I don't know Beyonce personally. Maybe she is a good coach to other people. I don't know her to to know that.

But either way, even if she is, she still ain't Fatima. And that's that's the level of confidence that we all need to have within ourselves to recognize, okay, instead of focusing on what you don't have and which is what you do when you compare yourself to other people, why are you comparing yourself to someone who ain't even you don't even have the same gift or the same calling on their life for the same purpose as you? What is your purpose? Compare yourself to that. What are your gifts?

Develop those because that's where you're gonna find your happiness. And, you know and also, I also wanna talk to this point. When we put all of our confidence in the wrong thing, as I'm gonna call it confidence number one that you talked about, confidence in a gift or an ability or a a look, which is all in the same bowl. When we have confidence in that and we use confidence number one as confidence number two, we allow those things to define us and and and indicate our value. What happens when that thing drops?

What happened if you're the best supermodel in the world and you get in an accident and you are permanently disfigured? Who are you then? Yes. We do this to ourselves. Boys, guys do this when it comes to sports.

I am the best quarterback that the NFL has ever seen, or the NFL is about to see. I'm the best basketball player that the NBA is about to see. And you break your leg and you get an injury. You can't do that anymore. Who are you?

Yes. And and if we properly understand who we are outside of our abilities and gifts, that's where your real confidence or lack thereof lies. So discover that young men and young women, discover that, and you can begin to build your confidence. And, again, confidence, just like Christo was saying, it's built. Right?

It's not something that just I'm confident now because I popped a pill or listened to one message and presto chango. It it just just doesn't work like that. You know? Progress is a process. And, I just wanted to add that in there because I think it's so important to note that this is one of the reasons we see famous people do some of the things they do.

They have all the money and all the fame in the world, but yet we watch them fall because they were standing on straws instead of solid ground. You know? Exactly. And and you're being confident in your ability and your capabilities is sand. It's movable.

It's not solid ground. But being confident in who you are is solid ground. Now I will tell you a little bit about myself. Like, unlike Crystal, I didn't grow up, you know, really, you know, societal pretty, by societal standards, and I actually felt very ugly and stupid and fat and dumb. Like, that's really how I saw myself.

I too am now at a confidence level of eight. I still think I have a couple more points to go. And people look at me, you know, like, oh, she's so strong and confident. Yeah. But y'all don't know what hell I went through to get there.

I am now, but y'all know what hell I went through to get there. You don't know how I used to see myself. And, you know, that's something that I always saw in Crystal even when now I've known Crystal for years. We met through salsa dancing. So that's why I know that she's a phenomenal dancer and why I mentioned that in the beginning.

I, you know, always saw that she was pretty and everything, but I also saw a little bit of myself in her, which I Crystal and I have talked about. I saw that that lack of confidence and didn't understand at the time Why? I'm like, does she not see how awesome she is? And and I'm not just talking about her look. She's actually an awesome person too.

So I was just like, why why don't she see what I see? But I don't care who you are, and I don't care how anybody sees us. What matters is how we see ourselves. You know? How do you see yourself?

As as Crystal mentioned earlier, how do you see yourself? Because at the end of the day, that's that's your foundation. That's what when things go wrong in your life, that's what's gonna pop up or lay you down depending on where you are. Right? Yes.

Was there anything else you I know I got a little preachy there, but I can't help. But I'm very passionate about the subject, especially when it comes to young women because I see it so often, and I see how really, really relevant this is. And for all of you listening, just because you see someone on social media who's doing well and gets lots of likes, please don't assume that their confidence is where it should be. I can promise you a lot of times it's not. Yes.

I'd like to second that too. A lot of times it's not. And and and I'm also mentioning that because sometimes people tend to be judgmental. When they're like, this person is famous and they're beautiful and they have all this money, why the hell are they acting like that? Because they have the same issue that you do.

The difference is that they're on a pedestal as they go through it. You know? Yeah. Did you have anything else you wanted to add? I think it's helpful to add to speaking to social media is that people can be very mean Yeah.

On social media. People can be very mean in life in general. And I think it comes out more in social media because they're not face to face with you. Mhmm. But that their actions reflect on them.

They're acting the way they're acting because of the way they feel about themselves. Yep. It has nothing to do with you. Can you say that again? Yes.

Yes. When a person judges you, what the way that they are acting speaks to who they are. It has nothing to do with you. Yeah. If they're judging you, they judge everyone.

Yep. It has and they probably judge themselves too harshly too. Yes. Because that used to be me. But I know it's not just me.

I see it all the time. Yes. I completely agree. Be don't allow other people to to put you down. And they might put you down, but you don't have to stay there.

Exactly. Because that has to do with them and not you. And just just recognize that. Yeah. When someone says something, like, that I find to be rude to me or they have a short temper with me or they put down something I do, I like to be like, I wonder what's going on in their world.

Or Yep. You know? Mhmm. There's and there's a million different reasons. Some of it has to do with their choices, and some of it has to do with how they're raised.

Usually, a combination thereof. But, you know, there's a million different reasons, which is another conversation. But, yeah, I I think that was a very key point to point out. So, Krystle, for all of you listening, Krystle is an excellent therapist. She I actually recommend her on my website be and I'm very, very slow to recommend people.

There's not a lot of people on that page, but she's one of the therapists that I recommend because she's honest. And and she you can be honest with her, and and she's not gonna judge you. And she'll be honest with you and tell you what she sees and what she thinks and listen to what you have to say, which is part of what makes a good therapist. So if you're listening and you are a girl that you're someone that recognizes what she's saying and you can, you know, identify with it, she She might be a good person for you to talk to. So, Krystle, how can they find you?

I like to keep it simple, and they can just text me. My phone number is (518) 212-7417. Yes. And that number will also be in the show notes of this this episode as well as her website if you wanna go to that as well. But I love the fact that she just said, give my phone number.

Go right directly to her, And she'll and she'll reply. Just don't please don't text her at 02:00 in the morning. Please just common sense. But thank you, Krystle, for coming on. It's been a pleasure having you on, and and I I really thank you for, being so open and honest about, you know, your reality, your struggles, and your journey, and I'm hoping that this episode helps at least one person.

If so, it's worth it just for that. Thank you. Thank you for having me, and I love talking to you about all these things. So I hope to talk soon. And now for a mind shifting moment.

If you're listening today and we were talking about you, you're one of those people where you have great looks, gifts, talents, money, fame, any of that. If that's you, I want you to know that you're not being whiny, you're not being a big baby when you want more than that. You're actually being a normal human being, and I want you to know that you're not alone in how you feel. There are other people out there who actually see and understand you. It is okay to admit that you need more than that, and there's nothing wrong with that.

But I also want you to know it's important that you seek that confidence number two that we talked about in this episode. That real deep personal self confidence that has nothing to do with your gifts, your money, your wealth, your looks, but is just you. Work on that because that is where your strength is. That is where you really are. Your money, your shape, your look, your fame, that might be what you are, but that's not who you are.

Discover who you are so that you can have the real confidence that you need so that no matter what's going on in life, no matter what life throws you, you know who you are, you can handle it better. And I just want you to put your arms around yourself right now and take a big hug from me. If I could physically hug you right now, I would. You matter. Beyond your talents, your gifts, your fame, you matter.

Thank you for listening to Mindshift Power podcast. Please like and subscribe to my YouTube channel at the mind shifter. If you have any comments, topic suggestions, or would like to be a guest on the show, please visit FatimaBay.com/podcast. Remember, there's power in shifting your thinking. Tune in for next week.