Episode 57: The Break Up Breakdown

🎧 From heartache to healing - Janice Formicella reveals the truth about breakups that everyone needs to hear! In this powerful episode, dating and breakup coach Janice exposes the science behind why breakups hurt so much and shares game-changing strategies for moving forward.

Through evidence-based insights and hard-won wisdom, Janice breaks down how relationships create actual addiction patterns in our brains and what to do about it.

This eye-opening episode explores:

• The surprising connection between breakups and addiction withdrawal
• Why "meant to be" is a dangerous myth that keeps you stuck
• The critical importance of digital boundaries after a split
• Real strategies for handling mutual friends and social circles
• The journey from obsessing to healing
• How to stop the cycle of reaching out to your ex

Perfect for: Teens going through first heartbreak, students navigating school after a breakup, young people questioning if they should get back together, and the parents, teachers, and counselors supporting youth through relationship transitions. Plus: Essential guidance on managing social media, friend groups, and daily interactions when you can't avoid seeing your ex.

To learn more about Janice Formichella, please click on the link below.

https://www.instagram.com/janiceformichella/

Transcript

00:04.08
fatimabey
And welcome.

00:06.94
fatimabey
Today we have with us Janice Formicelli.

00:10.66
Janice
from a channel

00:10.60
fatimabey
Yeah, I know. I realize.

00:13.14
Janice
but is

00:14.44
fatimabey
OK. We had to start again. I had to scroll up because I didn't have that part on my screen. I was looking at the introduction. I mean, the other part, the questions.

00:26.26
fatimabey
All right, let's start. And welcome. Today we have with us Janice Formicella. She is a repeat guest. She's been on here before. ah She is out of Denver, Colorado. She is a dating and breakup coach.

00:40.20
fatimabey
and a podcast producer. So she specializes in today's topic. Today, we're going to talk about something that most of us have experienced. And that's talking about breakups. And this happens when we're teens. It happens when we're adults. We think the situations are different, but they're really not. And we're going to talk about that. ah So how are you doing today, Janice?

01:01.89
Janice
I'm wonderful. Thank you so much. Thanks for having me back. This is such an important topic.

01:06.59
fatimabey
Yes it is, and and I think it's something that most people can relate to. So, let's just dive right into it as I always like to do.

01:13.80
Janice
Let's do it.

01:15.66
fatimabey
Why are breakups so hard?

01:18.12
Janice
There are so many reasons, obviously, there's losing somebody who you really, really, really care about. One of the reasons that especially adults struggle is that you lose the future that you had invested so much in. And a lot of us become naturally very um attached to what the outcome is going to look like as far as a relationship goes. And that can be really, really earth shattering.

01:45.18
Janice
something that affects everybody and perhaps teenagers even more significantly is that perhaps the primary reason breakups are so difficult is that we form addictions and very intense connections and habits with people. And when the person is taken out of our life, it it can be extremely painful because um as I will talk about, breakups are very, very similar to addictions from harmful substances. And so your body, your system, your entire um network become is completely jarred and needs to have that person in your life in order to feel better. And it can be really, really difficult to kind of wean off

02:29.88
fatimabey
but but But I was so in love with Johnny. I wasn't addicted to him. ah He was just my everything. I mean, we used to hang out all the time and do everything together. And we talked on the phone all the time.

02:40.16
fatimabey
And I just really miss him. I know this is something.

02:43.28
Janice
mean, that is that is completely true. But you just said something really interesting that, i especially like I just said teens can relate to, is talking on the phone all of the time, texting constantly, being in almost you know being an ongoing communication and engagement with this person via the cell phone almost every day. And that actually does form an addiction to the the person.

03:08.31
Janice
And you get so, so, so used to that dopamine hit that you get every single time that you connect. but When the person is taken away from your life, removed, chooses to exit your life, it can be very, very hard to readjust.

03:23.56
Janice
And this is why people have also such a hard time not texting, have such a hard time not continuing to engage and have contact with an ex. This is why people find it really, really, really hard to stay away from their ex's social media channels is because they're so used to that dopamine hit but that you receive when you engage with the person. Even if it's looking at their photos, even if it's painful, you're still going to crave it.

03:51.47
fatimabey
That's a very interesting analogy that you use the addiction.

03:53.10
Janice
Hm?

03:56.03
fatimabey
And I never quite thought of it with the word addiction. But I think of it as forming habits. um they're In principle wise, it is the same thing is what you're saying.

04:09.58
fatimabey
You know, we're used to this person. And so how do we know when the difference between when we're in love with someone and when we're simply addicted to them?

04:20.75
Janice
Well, either way, if you are in a committed relationship with someone or ah a any type of relationship with somebody and you are feeling these feelings, you will naturally create um habit forming and addictive um ways of responding to their to their communication. So whether or not it's it's love,

04:38.93
Janice
you will still get so used to having that person in your life that it will feel like so you something has been severed when it's taken away. And that's one reason also why some people find themselves in the loop of getting back together over and over again is because even when it is determined that the relationship is not healthy, they still find it so hard to disconnect that they'll stay in a loop. Some people stay in loops of on and off again for years.

05:03.93
fatimabey
or st

05:04.38
Janice
So it's not really a matter of whether or not it's love. It's just it's a matter of what you do as a couple, ah particularly when it comes to communicating with each other.

05:12.91
fatimabey
You said a key word there Janice and that's that's what I was trying to get at. It's really not just a matter of love. And in our society we're taught that love is everything and we should all have pretty feelings and butterflies coming out of our butts.

05:29.04
fatimabey
It's all about love, and it is true that love exists and love is real and important, but that is a small portion of the equation.

05:37.28
Janice
Yes and that it's really important because a lot of people will experience so much intense pain after a breakup and find it just like I said impossible to stop some form of engagement that they will convince themselves that the reason why they're struggling so much is because it must be meant to be or the love must just have been or is that deep and that is why it's so hard to move on. When in reality it is just because this is what naturally happens when you separate from someone who you've been used to having in your life. It's painful for everyone and you can commit and invest to your healing rather than convincing yourself that everything is going to feel better if you get back with the person.

06:19.84
fatimabey
I wanna go back back and emphasize on a key, key, key, important thing that you just said. It's meant to be, and we really, truly believe that because of the garbage that has been fed to us primarily through Hollywood movies.

06:27.62
Janice
Mm hmm. Yep.

06:35.72
fatimabey
um That's where we get a lot of our, as Americans anyway, because this is not true in other cultures, but as Americans, we get our our concept or ideas of what love is supposed to be in in large part.

06:49.28
fatimabey
ah movies. It's not only movies, what we see at home matters too. But, ah you know, the movies, they dictate the culture or media. And mostly for and um as Americans, it's movies is our major media where we get these kind of ideas from ah that dictate where, you know, we what we think of as normal um and healthy and what what a romantic relationship should look like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

07:13.70
Janice
And TV, because in television shows you have series of, you know, seasons that go on for years, where they often will show couples doing the on again off again thing for years.

07:15.79
fatimabey
Yeah, yeah you're right.

07:20.02
fatimabey
Yeah, you're right. You're right.

07:25.94
Janice
And so we are we're exposed to this type of dynamic and relationships.

07:25.94
fatimabey
Right.

07:31.14
Janice
that very very rarely works but it it becomes ingrained in us that if a couple really loves each other and is really meant to be that they might do this you know for years and then eventually end up together where in reality that type of cycle is really dysfunctional and harmful to somebody's ability to like move on in life and form actually actual healthy relationships.

07:47.84
fatimabey
Right. Right. You're right. yeah

07:54.45
fatimabey
Just I want to emphasize here for the audience because it's related to exactly what she was just saying. Just because something is average doesn't make it normal. Those are two different things. It could be average to kick a baby down the street, but would any of us call that normal? No. Just because something is average doesn't make it normal. But going back to it's meant to be i Think very often and i I really want to emphasize this because I want to mind shift people out of this thinking that just because you've been with someone for a while and you've grown attached or as Janet says Addicted to this person or their personality or being around them or whatever Does not necessarily mean that they're good for you that you're quote-unquote meant to be that your soul mates or whatever verbiage you want to give it and It just means that you've gotten used to and comfortable with that person, period.

08:29.61
Janice
Yep.

08:47.74
fatimabey
And this is why, and I know that you'll have something to say about this too Janice, this is why it is so important that we are mindful of who we get into relationship with in the first place.

09:03.71
Janice
yeah

09:03.66
fatimabey
Because we grow these addictions and these attachments to these people, whether they're right for us or not. You're like, well, it's so hard to find a man.

09:10.22
Janice
Yep.

09:11.96
fatimabey
I'm just going to stick with this one. It's so hard to find a good woman. And she's she just right in these certain areas. So therefore, I'm just going to stick with her. And that doesn't necessarily mean that they're good for you.

09:25.52
Janice
Yes, I'll make two points.

09:25.43
fatimabey
um

09:27.84
Janice
I'm loving this conversation so far. First of all, one of my driving philosophies around breakups and coming to the acceptance that it needed to happen is that no relationship.

09:41.87
Janice
Wait, let me start that over. Relationships always, always, always end because they weren't working in some way. If you were meant to be together and if things were that great, you wouldn't have broken up in the first place.

09:51.53
fatimabey
Good point.

09:57.43
Janice
I've never been proven wrong with with this concept. It always ends because there was something about it that was not functional. As good as it seemed at some points, there's eventually it got to the point where it was not working anymore. either Otherwise you would stay you together.

10:16.99
Janice
so And that is really, really hard for people to accept. And I work with my clients on this all the time, kind of like playing like um having them debate that with me. And I've never, like I said, never been proven wrong.

10:29.80
Janice
And that's something important to to remind yourself of. It can be really, really hard to accept that when you miss the person and you're remembering the happy memories. But it it ended because it needed to.

10:39.47
fatimabey
who

10:43.43
fatimabey
I think it's important to clarify um something on the point you just said.

10:50.53
fatimabey
Sometimes it depends on what's not working because sometimes if what's not working, it's something that you both need to work on. Doesn't necessarily mean that you shouldn't be together. For example, communication. If it's if it's something that someone you're not communicating and maybe you just you needed to go through this.

11:08.78
fatimabey
break up, or not even a breakup, but argument or, or hassle or stress, whatever it is, you needed to go through this confrontation to recognize you're not effectively communicating.

11:12.28
Janice
yeah

11:18.35
fatimabey
And if you're willing to work on it, that's something that can be worked on something that to your point, if you're, if you're breaking up and it's not about communication, there's personality differences, maybe you're not right with the right person.

11:32.12
fatimabey
And that, so I think sometimes we have to look at not everything in like one big blanket, but you know, that Why did you break up? is Was it a communication thing? um Is he or she cheating?

11:42.98
fatimabey
Because that ain't cute. ah Because if they're cheating, that's a different issue.

11:45.97
Janice
Well, even, I mean, a lot of people, a lot of people break up just simply because they don't want to be in the relationship anymore.

11:47.95
fatimabey
you know

11:53.12
fatimabey
Well, yeah.

11:53.58
Janice
I mean, there's there's so many reasons, and that's as good of a reason as any.

11:53.79
fatimabey
Yeah, you're right. Yeah, absolutely.

11:56.90
Janice
If you don't want to do it, then you shouldn't. And as far as communication goes, I am all about couples learning to communicate well together.

11:59.38
fatimabey
Absolutely. Absolutely.

12:05.90
Janice
I'm, yeah, very, very passionate about that and consider myself good at it because I've worked so hard. I would say if the issue was communication though that it would have been not both people in the relationship fully committed to learning to communicate together.

12:20.68
Janice
You know you see what I'm saying?

12:20.87
fatimabey
Yeah, yeah.

12:21.84
Janice
So then still there's something that wasn't quite functional ah about it.

12:25.82
fatimabey
And some people aren't ready to be in relationships because they're just not freaking mature enough yet.

12:29.33
Janice
Well, and if you don't want to learn how to communicate, then you shouldn't be in the relationship.

12:29.27
fatimabey
And that's not an age thing. That's an age, that's, you're, no, you're, you're, that's what I mean.

12:36.11
Janice
Yeah.

12:36.09
fatimabey
If you're not willing to work on the parts that you need to work on to be successful in any relationship, regardless of who the partner is, you're not mature enough for relationship. I don't care if you're 13 or 33, it's the same thing.

12:48.66
fatimabey
um and uh sometimes we assume that uh when it going back to teenagers we assume as adults that because teenagers are young that well they're just young and dumb and you know that's everything is about that no it is not they the teenagers go through the exact same emotions that all the rest of us go through ah and sometimes it might be the first time they're going through these emotions

13:11.42
Janice
Oh yes, more intense props.

13:15.99
fatimabey
Uh, sometimes it's not, you'd be surprised. Uh, I was saying this to Janice earlier, but, and I'm talking to the audience right now. Don't assume that your 16 year old is the same 16 year old that you were when you were younger.

13:32.56
fatimabey
This generation is in fact different. They experience major emotions by the time they're 10 year old, 10 years old on average.

13:41.50
Janice
and And sorry.

13:44.13
fatimabey
Go ahead.

13:45.01
Janice
And I was just going to say as a parent or um an elder and in this person's life, I would say definitely validated as much as you would validate anybody else's ah breakup.

13:53.28
fatimabey
Yes, yes, yes.

13:55.70
Janice
I know I think my first breakup when I was a teen, my parents hadn't even wanted me to be dating in the first place.

13:55.86
fatimabey
Good point.

14:02.56
fatimabey
Right.

14:02.88
Janice
And so I'm keeping it a secret this whole time. And then when the breakup happened, I was shattered. I couldn't eat. I felt, but I mean, my first heartbreak, it was very, very, very intense.

14:14.95
Janice
And going home every day and not being able to talk to my parents about it was um very, very painful and confusing and made everything a lot worse.

14:20.10
fatimabey
Hmm. Yeah.

14:24.61
Janice
And I will also say for teenagers, one reason it might be difficult is that they lack the ability or the knowledge around how to ask for support. And I would say, yeah, definitely ah learn that.

14:34.29
fatimabey
Yeah. Yeah.

14:36.18
Janice
And if you're an adult in this person's life, maybe come to the table able to provide that.

14:45.16
fatimabey
Yes. And ah just to reiterate what Janice was just saying,

14:56.21
fatimabey
It is, ah don't when you have a teenager, don't brush them off as young and dumb or over emotional. Their emotions are real. What they're experiencing is really not any different than what we're experiencing as adults. ah But you know as Janice just said, sometimes they don't know how to deal with them or how to ask for help. But don't but the worst thing you can possibly do is just like, oh, you'll get another one and act like it's nothing.

15:25.82
fatimabey
Because when you do that, for the adults listening, when you do that, you are now telling them they can't talk to you, and they're going to shut down and not talk to you.

15:34.64
Janice
Mm.

15:34.81
fatimabey
And if they're not talking to you, who are they talking to? And that's what you should be concerned about.

15:39.14
Janice
It could set a precedent that could last the like the rest of your child's life and impact the long-term relationship that they have with people, i or with you as a parent.

15:42.69
fatimabey
For real. Yeah. Absolutely.

15:48.96
Janice
I think that it's really easy for adults to sit here and and accept and say, yes, like a breakup can be completely earth-shattering. But I do think that we can sometimes minimize that when it comes to teens' breakups.

16:00.48
fatimabey
Right, right.

16:00.99
Janice
And that's another reason why I'm saying, take this seriously, treat it like a breakup of any friend of yours because this can be earth shattering. These kids have a lot that they're trying to juggle and this can completely derail you if you don't have if you don't have the support or the tools to heal and move on from it.

16:18.88
fatimabey
And I want to add to that. Our teenagers nowadays, this is 2024. They're under a lot more stress than any of us ever were as kids. And we don't tend to see and understand that.

16:29.94
fatimabey
because we're not growing up on the same planet they they are. And the world that they live in is different than the world we grew up in, and they are far more stressed. So imagine all the emotions that you had and then add about 16 pounds of, 16 tons of more stress on top of that.

16:47.72
Janice
Mmhmm.

16:48.03
fatimabey
um So don't dismiss them, please adults, don't dismiss them. um Their feelings are real. And when you ignore the sometimes those feelings could snowball into other things that lead to suicide that lead to cutting that lead to a substance abuse that leads to out sex and everyone just start naming more ah some of the other ways they manifest.

17:08.33
Janice
Yeah, exactly. It needs to be taken very, very seriously.

17:08.70
fatimabey
i

17:11.37
Janice
And that's one reason I'm glad we're doing this episode is because there are tools and tricks and ways that you can start to move on and heal from this and maybe even even learn from it. And teens are just as capable of it as we are.

17:24.06
fatimabey
Absolutely. So since we are, you, you had just mentioned, it's what I want to talk about next. We spent a lot of time talking about why breakups happen and and the emotions that we go through. And you know, we did that because it's important before we give you the tips and tools to understand how you arrived and where you are so that you can better handle it. Um, neither one of us are going to sit here and tell any of you that, Oh, here's a one, two, three step for breakups and everything will be easy. No, it's not. It's emotional.

17:52.22
fatimabey
And I think that's emotional is hard and it hurts. We get that. Um, but so what are some of the, what? Okay. and I just broke up with Johnny and I'm 16.

18:04.28
Janice
Mm.

18:04.20
fatimabey
Um, and Johnny was my everything. And I keep trying not to call him and text him, but I send him little messages here and there cause I can't help it. And I really want him back, but he doesn't want me anymore.

18:16.20
fatimabey
Blah, blah, blah. We broke up. What do I do?

18:21.48
Janice
This is one reason why I think that breakups can be differently challenging for teens, is there is the proximity factor.

18:27.09
fatimabey
Mm-hmm.

18:30.10
Janice
A lot of teens are, you know, like I said, in the same proximity at each ah as each other, whether it be neighborhood, groups, school, etc. and So I will say that needs to be taken into consideration because my biggest tip for adults when it comes to breakups is stopping all contact.

18:48.13
Janice
And that might be a little more challenging for teens if you have to see the person every day at school, for instance.

18:48.19
fatimabey
who

18:52.04
fatimabey
Yeah, yeah.

18:53.15
Janice
So I would customize the no contact rule for teens and urge you, if you are a teen who has gone through a breakup or anybody who has gone through a breakup, limit your contact as much as you possibly can with this person.

18:57.45
fatimabey
Mm hmm.

19:09.43
Janice
For a teen, the perfect example and probably the main place to start and to focus on is your cell phone. So no texting, no looking at social media, no calls, none of it. do Limit contact or completely cut it out of your life yeah as much as you can. And you might be surprised how much you can um limit engagement with this with this person.

19:36.54
Janice
And that's where we get into such a painful loop of not being able to heal is when we are constantly texting them, looking at our phone, um wanting to kind of stick it to them, going and seeing what they're doing on Facebook or Snapchat. And I would say, yeah, take take steps to eliminate all of that. And I promise you that this will help.

20:00.81
fatimabey
It will help. I want to add to that also. A detail that I think we tend to overlook for teenagers. Your friends. Because your friends, maybe you have mutual friends.

20:12.78
Janice
Yeah, I was gonna get to it.

20:12.74
fatimabey
And maybe your friends are going to keep bringing them up and they still hang out with Johnny because they're still friends with Johnny. And they have every right to still be friends with Johnny.

20:18.84
Janice
Yep.

20:19.28
fatimabey
But it is okay to have that conversation with your friends. Like, please don't keep bringing them up. I'm already trying to get over them. Just be honest and real. If they're your real friends, they will absolutely adhere to it to the best of their ability.

20:30.69
fatimabey
They might accidentally mention something because they're not thinking about it and they're happy about the game you're going to tomorrow night or whatever it is. But you can say something to your friends because that's a key element.

20:42.69
fatimabey
I i see it all the time.

20:43.17
Janice
Yep.

20:44.37
fatimabey
It's a kiki element. If your friends keep bringing them around and bringing them up, How the hell are you supposed to get over him when he's always in your face? So you need to remedy that. You need to remedy that. And if you have friends who can't understand that or refuse to care about your well-being, they shouldn't be your friends.

20:59.95
fatimabey
Period freaking end. okay Period end.

21:01.66
Janice
Yep.

21:03.07
fatimabey
They shouldn't be your friends. So it's important to make sure that your friends, doesn't mean that you need to make your friends walk on eggshells. I want to add that too. But it just means that you need to have the the close friends who might bring them up or bring them in front of you.

21:16.52
fatimabey
Have that conversation with them, we like, i'm I'm already trying, you know, can you just not bring them up? If they really care about you, they really will. If they really will.

21:26.61
Janice
They must, if they really care about you.

21:28.05
fatimabey
They really will.

21:29.29
Janice
I would say look at the people who are in your like immediate support network.

21:29.40
fatimabey
They will absolutely do that.

21:35.44
Janice
We all know who these people are, the know the handful of people who we rely on day in and day out who were who we're there for and who are there for us. And maybe look at their interactions with your ex.

21:46.96
Janice
And you might need to have some conversations around what will most support you during this transition away from the from the relationship.

21:51.98
fatimabey
Right.

21:55.31
Janice
And you know it might mean making some decisions about what events you all go to together. Or even how much contact, i like I was just saying, your best friend has with your ex. And maybe asking for the time being that you know we changed this a little bit and tweak it while I'm healing.

22:12.91
Janice
Because the more space that you can create with your ex, the faster you will heal and the more effectively the healing process will will be.

22:12.77
fatimabey
Right. Yes.

22:21.94
fatimabey
and I want to add make sure it's a conversation and not a demand people react very and I say that because That happens like well, if you're really my friend, you ain't gonna talk to Johnny anymore Don't come at people like that because if you came at me like that, I would just be like, okay I won't be your friend then enough Yes, exactly exactly Mm-hmm

22:25.55
Janice
You're sure.

22:34.09
Janice
Sure, yeah.

22:38.55
Janice
This is when we utilize our support networks for what they're there for. And yeah, this is a learning opportunity too, or to have calm conversations. And I mean, not add more shit to your plate, you know, but having fights with your friends is yeah definitely not what you need. But, you know, having having conversations and making decisions and yeah, maybe even making requests of people as far as how, like I said, how they engage with this person.

23:04.04
fatimabey
The adult version of this advice is exactly the same because we have some adults who are you know over 30 but mentally 13 and they act like it when situations arise.

23:07.20
Janice
yeah

23:15.12
fatimabey
So instead of having a hissy fit, throwing a temper tantrum because you don't like that your friend is talking to Johnny. have a conversation because maybe I have I personally I'm not I have been in the middle of people breaking up and I'm friends with with with both people but I'm a mature adult so I know how to handle it and there's just certain boundaries that I don't cross because I just know that's not healthy for anyone.

23:23.15
Janice
Mmhmm.

23:39.64
fatimabey
but I'm a mature adult and just because someone's my age doesn't mean that they are mentally mature. So if you're listening regardless of your age, even though we're talking primarily to and about teens, take the advice for yourself regardless of your age because it really does not change. Some of the details may change when you're a teenager but the principles don't.

24:02.03
Janice
um

24:02.47
fatimabey
and what other advice ah What other advice would you have for for helping people to move on?

24:04.06
Janice
it's so It's true. Thank you. That's a beautiful way to put it.

24:11.59
Janice
Well, I will say, so I really, I want to make sure to um reiterate again, the social media aspect. Block, block, block, block.

24:20.27
fatimabey
Yes, yes, I agree.

24:21.49
Janice
There is no reason in the world why you need to be looking.

24:21.96
fatimabey
yeah

24:25.45
Janice
There's no reason in the world why you have to have things, quote, pop up. on your social media that reminds you of them. This will help you so much. Social media is meant to be fun. It's meant to be ways to enjoy your community. So let it be fun and don't let it be another part of the process that tortures you.

24:46.06
fatimabey
I was just gonna say self-torture.

24:48.08
Janice
Yes, yeah. I mean, there really is a you know whole thing about um digital self-harm, and this would be one of the ways that people digitally self-harm is just continuing to go on and expose themselves to things that are that painful.

25:02.65
Janice
so I say but block unfriend mutual friends who you didn't even really know that well in the first place, or maybe take it as an opportunity for a little social media cleanse.

25:13.45
Janice
I know that that's a big step for some people.

25:15.01
fatimabey
yeah Yeah, I've seen people do that.

25:15.82
Janice
After one of my last breakups, I was actually in one of the situations where proximity added a lot of um complexity to the breakup and my my ability to move on from it and that is because we had we were from the same social network and so we had you know dozens and dozens of friends in common and I just completely deactivated my accounts for a couple months and I actually really liked it and it made it a lot lot lot easier for me. So if you want to you know consider doing that definitely erase or block the number on your phone or I think something that teens might find kind of fun. If blocking and deleting the number seems to

26:00.94
Janice
large of a step for you, change the name of your ex in your phone so that if it pops up, it'll be something to remind you about your commitment to the healing process.

26:10.75
fatimabey
Oh, that's a really good idea. That's a really good idea.

26:13.70
Janice
I've done it as an adult several times and it is really effective and it's kind of fun as well.

26:19.84
fatimabey
So name your name, rename your ex, do not answer.

26:23.00
Janice
Yeah, I've done that. Yep. Or in you know if you want to use a name, I'm saying whatever works for you, you know, ah and maybe even a picture as well.

26:26.16
fatimabey
Poison, name them poison, something.

26:32.88
Janice
I think I had like a picture of a mouse or something for one of my exes because I'm really scared of mice.

26:33.18
fatimabey
yeah Oh, that's funny.

26:39.41
Janice
and So, lee again, that might be kind of fun and also in the heat of the moment when you're finding it really hard to not send the text or to not answer the text or the call, this it will remind you immediately, um like I said, of your commitment.

26:53.37
fatimabey
Excellent advice. I want to plant a little thought seed to our audience. I just thought about putting it this way. When we have in addictction an an addiction is a weakness, no matter what your addiction is. Person, drugs, alcohol,

27:10.79
fatimabey
food, whatever it is. An addiction is an area of weakness that can very easily overcome you. So if this person is an area of weakness, at least at the moment, after a while they might not be, but at first, when we break up with someone, yeah, it's an area of weakness, especially if you were really attached to that person.

27:30.38
fatimabey
If you know it's an area of weakness, why would you play with fire and expect to not get burnt?

27:33.64
Janice
Hmm. Yep.

27:38.05
fatimabey
What happens is when you start playing with fire, You get burnt, and you, owie, owie, owie, this hurts. Oh my god, this hurts so much. Of course it does, you're playing with fire.

27:49.24
fatimabey
And when we go back and forth with someone that we're trying to get over, and it's difficult, we actually hurt ourselves more, cause so much emotional self-harm.

28:01.18
fatimabey
Because now you already had a wound, and you just stuck a knife in it.

28:05.66
Janice
yeah Walking away is the best thing that you can do.

28:05.91
fatimabey
Because the back and forth, yeah.

28:10.50
Janice
I mean, life life is too short and the healing journey you know does take some time and yes, committing to it and accepting.

28:16.11
fatimabey
It does.

28:19.48
Janice
and I mean, take this episode and yeah as a start, to as a beginning of educating yourself about how real these issues of ah addiction are. and lean lean into it and have a little fun with it and and commit to overcoming yeah this addiction or overcoming ah the um the tie that you have to this person, the dysfunctional tie that you have to this person.

28:28.59
fatimabey
yeah

28:42.76
Janice
Because there is so much waiting for you on the other side. If you can get over a heartbreak, you you know you're going to have the ability to get over a lot of other things in your life.

28:52.04
fatimabey
who

28:52.45
Janice
And this is also a chance for self-reflection and thinking about what you want maybe in your future relationships. thinking about what you want for yourself, thinking about your great qualities. And then once once you get to the once you get to the end and put your break up in your rear view mirror, the the future is going to be just more amazing than you then you can imagine.

29:14.26
fatimabey
I want to say one last thing. to the audience. If you don't get over it, you will remain under it.

29:25.17
fatimabey
Segue into don't deny that your feelings are your feelings. Deal with them.

29:31.28
Janice
Yes.

29:31.06
fatimabey
Because sometimes you're like, well, Johnny broke up with me, so in order to deal with our feelings and do or to deal with a hurt, we're just like, well, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm gonna move on and I'm going onto a dating app and I'm gonna go out with my friends and I'm just gonna, you're pretending and it's gonna come crashing down.

29:48.04
fatimabey
Don't do that. The pretending does not help you, it does more harm to you. So, admit it, deal with it, so that you can climb over it and be done with it.

30:02.37
fatimabey
Because if not, you're still under it.

30:03.05
Janice
grieving is an ah Grieving is an important part of the process, for sure, a vital a vital part.

30:07.01
fatimabey
Yeah, yeah.

30:09.47
Janice
And you need to give yourself the space to do that. And the only way that you can really grieve that something is over is by accepting that it's over and by training your system to accept that it's over by not having communication with this person anymore.

30:23.90
fatimabey
Yeah.

30:24.36
Janice
It's a whole cycle that it that affects your mind and body.

30:29.06
fatimabey
Yes, it and and body, it does affect your body too.

30:31.79
Janice
yes yeah absolutely

30:31.84
fatimabey
um ah Stress does things to our bodies. Well, Janice, it's been really great talking to you. and There's about 25,000 more topics, subtopics on this that we can talk about.

30:45.05
fatimabey
But we try to limit limit the episode. So ah tell people ah how they can find you.

30:52.15
Janice
Please go and listen to my breakup podcast. It's called Breakups, Broken Hearts, and Moving On. It is this a huge library of resources for people who are just navigating a breakup and healing from it and then deciding what moving on means to them. What is the next chapter of your life going to look like? I've got lots of core resources.

31:14.05
Janice
that your teens will love. I've got affirmation tracks ah to help people cope. I've got an episode on almost any aspect ah of a breakup and i'm I'm continuing on. And please, I would love you to just go over to Instagram and hang out with me there. Janice for Michella.

31:30.83
fatimabey
And I will put the links at the bottom of the podcast description. So again, Janice, thank you for coming on again. This has been a very, rich I believe, a rich conversation.

31:41.42
fatimabey
um I think any listener probably heard themselves somewhere in there, regardless of age.

31:45.52
Janice
Thank you for having me. yeah Thank you for um letting me talk to your audience about this. i i just I know for a fact how painful this can be. I was in a domestic violence situation that I went back to over and over again, and I also know how freeing and liberating it can be to learn how to tackle um the aftermath of a breakup and also that once you learn how to do it, your life really can be so rich and you do have the ability to overcome this.

32:12.68
fatimabey
It can be.

32:15.23
Janice
You really, really do. I know that it seems paralyzing, but you're strong and you're capable.

32:17.50
fatimabey
Yeah.

32:21.37
Janice
It's just a bit of a learning curve, I think.

32:22.88
fatimabey
Well, thank you again for coming on.

32:27.03
Janice
Thank you.