RAPE (Episode 63A - Part 1)

🎧 Breaking the Silence: A Survivor's Raw Truth About Sexual Assault and How to Spot the Warning Signs. Join advocate and survivor Stephanie Jane as she courageously shares her journey from childhood abuse to becoming a powerful voice for assault survivors, revealing critical insights that could help save lives.

Through honest dialogue and expert perspective, Stephanie exposes the often-hidden realities of sexual assault while offering hope and practical guidance for survivors and those who want to help them.

This powerful episode explores:

• Why alcohol remains the #1 date rape drug and how predators exploit vulnerability
• The unexpected warning signs that someone may have been assaulted - from subtle behavior changes to dramatic personality shifts
• How predators identify and manipulate targets, especially those with low self-esteem
• The critical importance of understanding consent and recognizing manipulation tactics
• Why sexual assault statistics vastly underrepresent reality due to underreporting
• The complex ways trauma manifests - from withdrawal to overcompensation and masking
• Essential steps to take if you suspect you've been assaulted, including time-sensitive medical care

Perfect for: Sexual assault survivors seeking understanding and hope, friends and family wanting to support loved ones, educators and counselors working with at-risk youth, and anyone committed to recognizing and preventing sexual assault. Plus: Critical information about available resources and how to access help, even in small communities.

 This is part 1 of a 2-part episode. Listen to RAPE: Episode 63B for the rest of the conversation.

To learn more about Stefanie Jane, please click below.

https://www.stefaniejane.com/

Need help? Click on one of the links below.

https://www.stefaniejane.com/a-place-for-help

https://www.fatimabey.com/Other-Help

https://rainn.org/

Transcript

00:04.88
fatimabey
And welcome everyone. Today we have with us Stephanie Jane. She is from Texas. She's a musical artist. She's an author and she's worked with rape victims in the Dallas Fort Worth area of Texas for over eight years.

00:19.65
fatimabey
She is also the owner of Sharing Hope and Healing and she is now an advocate for sexual assault survivors. So how are you doing today, Jane?

00:29.66
Stefanie Jane
I'm doing very well. Thank you.

00:31.64
fatimabey
Stephanie Jane, forgive me.

00:33.91
Stefanie Jane
That's okay.

00:34.83
fatimabey
All right, so tell us about why you are so passionate about this topic.

00:41.02
Stefanie Jane
Well, I am a survivor of child sexual abuse and rape. I was three years old when my sexual abuse had started. So I literally grew up in that environment and,

00:52.83
Stefanie Jane
I really felt very lonely as a child. I felt isolated. I couldn't really talk to anybody about the abuse I was enduring. My stepfather, he used to tell me that if I told anybody, he would literally kill me. And the abuse that we endured at home, it it didn't make us question whether or not he was capable of actually murdering us.

01:16.50
Stefanie Jane
um So because I felt so isolated, I really wanted to, as I grew up, I wanted to reach out to other people. And the more I became aware of the statistics, statistically speaking, in the United States of America, 25% of the women will be sexually assaulted. And when you add in child sexual abuse, that number goes up to 44% of the women in the United States have been or will be sexually assaulted.

01:46.12
Stefanie Jane
So it's such an isolating trauma event that happens in our lives, but the reality is we're not alone. There are so many other women and men in America that have been through such similar experiences.

01:56.02
fatimabey
Mmhmm.

02:01.86
Stefanie Jane
So I guess I'm kind of an example for people to say, you know what? She's gone through such terrible traumatic experiences year after year. And I was able to find my healing. And because I was able to find my healing, I want other women who have gone through similar situations to be able to find their healing also.

02:27.97
fatimabey
yes and i want to interject go back to something you said a moment ago uh with those numbers audience keep in mind although those numbers are accurate they're only accurate according to what's been reported

02:33.43
Stefanie Jane
Mm-hmm.

02:43.78
fatimabey
So the real numbers are probably doubled. I'm gonna go out to say doubled. I really believe that. And we're not talking about men so much today, but this subject applies to men too because they almost never report it, but their numbers are actually quite high.

03:00.92
fatimabey
if we were if they were reported. So I want you to keep in mind when you hear numbers, think about i think about what goes with those numbers. you know it's always Stuff like this is always higher than what's reported. And Stephanie, I love the fact that you are ah truly, truly, really an advocate ah for sexual assault survivors. And I love that you do that, and there needs to be more of it because I think we're going to see those numbers go up, not because of there's an increase in incidents, but I think there's going to be an increase in reporting. And I think we're going to see male numbers go up too, because we are changing as a society. And hopefully this will be a part of that. Now, when it comes to rape, I find that one of the biggest issues and as a advocate for sexual assault survivors, I know that you see this too.

03:52.68
fatimabey
How can someone recognize that they have been raped?

03:56.95
Stefanie Jane
Well, you know, it's kind of interesting because if you're not really familiar with sexual abuse, I can definitely see how somebody can be confused.

04:08.14
Stefanie Jane
um You know, alcohol is the number one date rape drug.

04:08.17
fatimabey
i mean

04:12.66
Stefanie Jane
And so, you alcohol is the number one date rape drug.

04:13.14
fatimabey
I'm sorry, can you repeat that again?

04:19.25
fatimabey
College students, can you repeat that again?

04:23.45
Stefanie Jane
Drinking alcohol is the number one date rape drug.

04:27.62
fatimabey
And it happens a lot on college campuses and most of those numbers are not reported either. And the number one way they do it, people think is roofies. They don't even need to go that far. You just need to get your ass drunk and then they could take advantage of you because it's real easy.

04:38.51
Stefanie Jane
Yep.

04:40.99
Stefanie Jane
It is.

04:40.90
fatimabey
That's a fact.

04:42.03
Stefanie Jane
It is. And you know, I mean, I think a lot of us have been there where we've taken one too many shots and we just can't remember what happened the night before. Um, and that's just a reality of going out in party and partying sometimes with people, but you know, there, there's evidence, there's evidence.

04:50.14
fatimabey
Mm hmm.

05:00.39
Stefanie Jane
Um, you know, I've, I've had crisis calls where women have called me and said, you know, I woke up, I went drinking last night and I woke up and just my thighs are killing me and my vagina don't feel right.

05:12.21
fatimabey
Mhm.

05:13.85
Stefanie Jane
And I don't know what happened last night or, you know, I woke up in a strange place and nobody was there.

05:14.01
fatimabey
Mhm.

05:20.81
Stefanie Jane
And I don't know how in the world I got there. So there are certain things that people don't have memory of. And of course, roofie,

05:28.76
fatimabey
Yeah.

05:31.32
Stefanie Jane
I'll tell you what, date rape drugs are almost impossible to dieest detect. Within 12 to 72 hours, those drugs can be completely out of your system.

05:43.10
Stefanie Jane
There's no smell, there's no taste. So somebody can put that in your drink and you don't know.

05:46.02
fatimabey
Mm-hmm.

05:49.34
Stefanie Jane
I've known women that have gone out and had a drink or two and they know that that's all they've had to drink.

05:49.00
fatimabey
Yeah.

05:56.29
Stefanie Jane
And they're like, my goodness, I felt like I had four, five, six drinks and I lost memory and I don't understand how I lost memory.

06:06.86
Stefanie Jane
But that's what predators are hoping for. They're hoping for the confusion because they've taken advantage of you and you don't even have memory of that. So I honestly believe that if you're questioning whether you had unconsensual sex the night before,

06:27.73
Stefanie Jane
You should probably get checked out because honestly, um I don't know what the rules are across the board in all states. Here in the state of Texas, it is now required that every hospital have a Sains nurse, which is a sexual assault nurse examiner.

06:36.67
fatimabey
Mm-hmm.

06:45.68
fatimabey
Ah, yeah.

06:47.16
Stefanie Jane
And so in the state of Texas, you can go to any hospital. And you have to collect that evidence within 12 to 24 hours after being assaulted. If you take a shower, unfortunately, I mean, your body is, ah unfortunately, your body is the Why am I not being able to say the word?

07:12.80
Stefanie Jane
Your body is the evidence that they need to be able to collect.

07:15.91
fatimabey
Yeah.

07:17.76
Stefanie Jane
And I know that it's not the most wonderful thought to think, I don't know if I was sexually assaulted. Now I got to go sit in an emergency room. But honestly, if you want to seek justice,

07:30.75
Stefanie Jane
if you want to see um If you want confirmation as to whether this help ah you know had happened to you or not, um most states have funding for rate exams to be done at no cost to you. So if you're worried about the financial side of things, um You really don't need to worry about that because the federal government comes in and pays those medical bills for you.

08:01.27
Stefanie Jane
And if you're still not comfortable, every single county hospital across the board has to do a Sains exam on you if you show up in the emergency room and say, I think I was raped.

08:11.39
fatimabey
Mm hmm. And even small clinics sometimes and in different states, a lot of your small clinics that are typically in lower income areas, I find that I've never heard of anyone that doesn't do rape exams.

08:29.23
fatimabey
um They usually have the funding for that for that as well um The bigger hospitals are obviously but if you're in a small town and there's a small clinic near you just try It might it might be a possibility for you um So we talked about you know, the fact that people can you know once you're drunk you're An easy target for someone if they want to rape you but also um You know

08:38.75
Stefanie Jane
yep

08:59.04
fatimabey
When it comes, and roofies is the old word, but there's so many words for daybreak drugs. So any of those, but what if someone had a sexual encounter and they're like, uh, well, he pushed himself on me, but I didn't really, i I said no once, but I didn't keep saying no. So I let him do it. Let's talk about that.

09:24.75
Stefanie Jane
Well, consent is extremely important. Two people need to agree whether they want to have sex or not. So if you're in a place and you feel like you're being pushed to do something you don't want to do, then that is sexual abuse.

09:32.52
fatimabey
Mm hmm.

09:40.71
Stefanie Jane
That is right. If you're uncomfortable having sex, then if you can leave the situation, leave the situation, but You know, there's, you know, I remember just to get real personal, I remember being in junior high school and being raped by Mr. Popularity. And he didn't have to force himself on me.

10:09.37
Stefanie Jane
I wasn't comfortable with the situation. I'd said no a few times and he manipulated me in ways. ah you know i That's the thing, predators know who to go after.

10:21.87
fatimabey
They do.

10:23.33
Stefanie Jane
And so they know who has low self-esteem.

10:26.02
fatimabey
Mm-hmm.

10:28.26
Stefanie Jane
They know who has an uncomfortable home life. They just have a way of picking out the person that they you know know how to take advantage of.

10:33.27
fatimabey
Mm hmm.

10:42.80
Stefanie Jane
you know Rape isn't about sex. Rape is about power and them taking

10:45.73
fatimabey
No, it isn't. Yep.

10:50.28
Stefanie Jane
power and control over you and so if somebody's manipulated you to have sex that's still rape because you did not consent which is why alcohol is such a ah major component because when you're under the influence it's really hard to consent it's really easy to just go with the flow um So consent, you know, if you didn't agree to have these sexual activities, then it's still right. Just like when Mr. Popularity, you know, he didn't have to hit me.

11:30.96
Stefanie Jane
He didn't have to do any physical harm to me because I did have low self-esteem. And by that age, I had been sexually abused for so long by so many different people at that point. He was number five for me. He was the fifth person, and I was only in junior high at that point in time. So he was the fifth person that had sexually abused me. And in my mind, that's kind of where what I thought.

11:59.39
Stefanie Jane
I just thought, okay, well, God has created me to be this tool for men to use. And that was my mentality. And because that was my mentality, it was really easy for this man to take control of the situation and manipulate me in a way um and

12:16.75
fatimabey
Mm hmm.

12:20.95
Stefanie Jane
you know, everything that he said that he was going to do. Um, he said he was going to say all these rumors about me at school. He was going to, you know, ruin my character. He was going to, you know, I was in the music world back then, even, and, um, Oh, well, I'm going to go spread this gossip about you and who you are. And what's sad about the reality is, is in the long run, he still did all those things.

12:51.63
fatimabey
Wow.

12:52.57
Stefanie Jane
He still went and, you know, unfortunately, my main name is Moore. And so, ah unfortunately, far too many people in school called me Stephanie Moore the whore. And as a victim of rape and child sexual abuse that hit me to the core and

13:18.06
Stefanie Jane
People can manipulate you by so they watch you and they see what affects you negatively. You know that bully in school knows that they're bothering you. So they're going to keep bothering you because to them they're low self-esteem that seems to build their esteem up.

13:35.60
Stefanie Jane
But the same thing often happens with predators is they know to look for the person who has the low self-esteem, who knows what bothers them, and they know that they're able to take power and control over that person. And so for me, I was i was a sitting duck, per se, because I you know i was so depressed. And unfortunately,

14:04.23
Stefanie Jane
That's a reality and um it's a sad reality because you know somebody's in a low spot and you're taking advantage of them.

14:12.15
fatimabey
Yeah, it is.

14:13.39
Stefanie Jane
and I don't think that we should go walking around pretending that we're something that we're not. If we're in a sad place, then honestly, the best thing for us is to go through those emotions and allow ourselves to to go through those emotions.

14:25.27
fatimabey
Yeah.

14:28.78
Stefanie Jane
Because if we stuff those emotions down, then yeah they're going to pop back up at some other time. you know We're either going to heal from it or we're gonna get worse from it.

14:40.91
Stefanie Jane
And so um I'm not here to say that go out in public and be something different, but I think we need to be aware that how we go into the world, if we go into the world and we're, I'm depressed all the time and this is who I am, and we wear that on our sleeves for everybody to see,

15:05.56
fatimabey
Mm hmm. Mm hmm.

15:08.72
Stefanie Jane
we become a bigger target.

15:10.61
fatimabey
Absolutely.

15:11.86
Stefanie Jane
You know, it's sad, but it's true.

15:13.52
fatimabey
I. I will say this, i I'm going to take what everything you just said and dive a little bit deeper into the concept because you're 100 percent right, you're 1000 percent right, really.

15:27.08
fatimabey
I say one of the best ways to combat against rape, against trafficking, against molestation because at the end of the day, when you look at them from the bigger picture, they're all the same.

15:41.95
Stefanie Jane
Yes.

15:42.01
fatimabey
They produce the same results. They do the same things. They just do them in different ways. The best way to combat against that is to reduce the victim pool.

15:53.01
fatimabey
The best way to reduce the victim pool is by building up women and making sure they know who they are, which is young girls, not just women, forgive me,

16:03.65
fatimabey
young girls because those young girls become women who rule the world and change the world because we they know who they are.

16:11.61
Stefanie Jane
Yes.

16:11.58
fatimabey
When we don't know who we are, we are the best targets for every manipulator, every piece of crap asshole who wants to control you. And those assholes are not always men, by the way.

16:24.50
fatimabey
Sometimes they're women.

16:26.14
Stefanie Jane
Yeah. Oh, yes.

16:26.92
fatimabey
That's not just down on men because it's not always men.

16:30.31
Stefanie Jane
No.

16:30.14
fatimabey
ah The women don't get reported as much, but they do stuff.

16:32.82
Stefanie Jane
No, but I would say as far as as far as child sexual abuse goes, right? Because one in 10 children in America, that's men and women, little girls and little boys, one in 10 will be sexually abused as a child.

16:40.53
fatimabey
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

16:45.68
Stefanie Jane
And the reality is it's often the babysitter, it's often the coach.

16:51.64
fatimabey
It's somebody in the household, the uncle. Yeah, somebody in the household. And there's lots and lots and lots of numbers that that reflect that because i've I've looked them up before just ah you know doing shows like this and out of curiosity.

17:00.58
Stefanie Jane
Mm-hmm.

17:03.34
Stefanie Jane
Yeah.

17:06.08
fatimabey
And yeah, you're a hundred percent right. Um, I want to talk about something else that I know that some of our listeners who maybe haven't been raped and they haven't been listed or sexual assault in any kind of way, but.

17:08.96
Stefanie Jane
Mm-hmm.

17:19.24
fatimabey
how I want them to walk away with something that they can use in their own lives. So how what are the telltale signs, what are just a few of the signs anyway, of someone who has been raped?

17:32.50
fatimabey
And maybe we have a cousin, a friend, a niece, somebody down the block, whatever.

17:36.87
Stefanie Jane
Right.

17:36.71
fatimabey
What are some of the signs we can look at?

17:38.01
Stefanie Jane
Well, if you're really close with somebody and I mean, you're going to notice subtle changes with that person because, you know, when somebody has overpowered you, that leaves you in such a traumatic state that there will be definite signs.

17:55.97
Stefanie Jane
Um, you know, is that person losing weight or is that person gaining weight? That's a huge one. Are there eating habits normal anymore? Um, I would say, you know, are there bruises on that person?

18:06.16
fatimabey
Hmm.

18:10.23
Stefanie Jane
You know, that's something to think about, especially if they're younger. um What about depression depression?

18:15.93
fatimabey
What about fear?

18:18.27
Stefanie Jane
Exactly fear, anxiety, worry, all of those things. Of course, depression usually happens um and you're not going to know why that person has changed so much somebody who used to be a very positive person somebody who used to go to school and love going to school all of a sudden they don't but they don't care about school so much anymore they don't care about the way they look anymore you know somebody who used to love gay all dolled up to go to school and now they're like i don't i don't want to wear makeup anymore i don't want to do my hair anymore i don't want to look cute anymore i'm just going to go to school and like my joggers and

18:28.49
fatimabey
Yeah. Yeah.

19:03.64
fatimabey
Yeah.

19:04.83
Stefanie Jane
You know, so it's it's little subtle things that you're gonna notice. Another big one is if somebody used to be a hugger, you still like physical contact with you, and all of a sudden they they're standoffish. They don't want you to touch them anymore. That's a huge sign. A lot of women that have been sexually assaulted no longer want anybody to touch them.

19:31.91
Stefanie Jane
Any time I deal with a survivor that has just recently been assaulted, you I ask, is it okay for me to give you a hug?

19:43.70
Stefanie Jane
And if you think that somebody has been sexually assaulted, then that would be a great thing to ask.

19:43.29
fatimabey
Yeah. yeah

19:50.55
Stefanie Jane
Can I hug you? Can I come into your personal space? Because their personal space was stolen from them. And so, Are there little things you can do to help them regain their power in life? So look for areas where they used to have power, where they used to have aches to go after things. And if they're not going after those things, it would be a really good idea to just start asking little questions, you know, Hey, and noticed your attitude about things is a little different. I'm just concerned for you right now.

20:29.41
Stefanie Jane
Is there anything I can do to come alongside you right now? Is there anything that's happened that has caused you to change in any way?

20:40.25
fatimabey
When it comes to fear, I just want to go back to that particular one.

20:43.83
Stefanie Jane
sir

20:43.73
fatimabey
And I said it because I think we say the word fear, we understand the the dictionary definition of fear. But when someone's, I'm going to reword some of some of what you said, because some of what you said actually is fear.

20:58.11
fatimabey
You are standoffish from hugging anyone. that is rooted in a fear so when people have new fears that pop up or where there was one's joy has been replaced with a fear and that fear can be of different things depending on the details of the person's life that's an indicator that something traumatic has happened look for fears new fears

21:23.05
Stefanie Jane
yeah Yes.

21:25.76
fatimabey
or increased fears or illogical fears, there's a reason why they pop up and they weren't there before.

21:33.00
Stefanie Jane
Right.

21:33.07
fatimabey
And this goes beyond just the subject of rape, it just in all trauma, something that's common, fear, fear, fear.

21:36.45
Stefanie Jane
Yes.

21:40.38
fatimabey
And I have just something I've learned through talking, counseling a lot of people, but also talking to a lot of therapists and and and people in positions like yours. Um, you know, for the listeners that fear is such, that's such a big deal.

21:55.37
fatimabey
Um, which good.

22:00.75
Stefanie Jane
Fear is interesting. Fear is interesting. you know As you know, I wrote a book, Fear Not For You Redeemed, and I've studied fear for many years.

22:07.12
fatimabey
Mm-hmm.

22:11.67
Stefanie Jane
I used to be controlled by fear. and In so many areas, I didn't even realize I was being controlled by fear.

22:17.41
fatimabey
Yeah.

22:20.58
Stefanie Jane
and um

22:25.08
Stefanie Jane
I wasn't, you know, i I could, I was an extremist, right? I could go from one end of the spectrum to the other. There was this part of me that would put out this like really happy persona of this is who I am. And I love being creative. And so I would love being able to be on stage and and do those sort sorts of things. And so if I was involved in those sorts of things in that timeframe,

22:53.86
Stefanie Jane
I would be over happy about it. I would like over share about it as a way to mask the fear.

23:01.22
fatimabey
Overcompensate.

23:02.47
Stefanie Jane
Yes.

23:02.06
fatimabey
Yeah.

23:02.87
Stefanie Jane
And so it's, it's interesting.

23:03.26
fatimabey
Yeah.

23:05.03
Stefanie Jane
So sometimes fear is recognizable as fear, but other times it's the, like you said, the overcompensation, you know, so if on the other end, if you're noticing your friend is like the cheerleader,

23:14.39
fatimabey
Good point. Very good point. Yeah, very good point.

23:23.86
Stefanie Jane
Because just that's just a thing, right? And so is your friend a cheerleader? And they were in it for whatever reasons. And maybe it was the guy on the football team that had taken control and had raped her. And now she's going to go out and she's going to go be a cheerleader. And now she's going to do over and above whatever she's done before because now she wants to pretend it never happened and she wants to overcompensate and I'm gonna be the best at this and this is what's gonna make me feel so good inside that I forget what happened to me. So it's kind of interesting. You can look at somebody and say, okay, this person's gone down the tubes in this way or you can say,

24:17.20
Stefanie Jane
I've noticed you really trying to put yourself out there and make yourself acceptable to everybody and try to make everybody love you and try to make everybody um come alongside you in a different way.

24:37.30
Stefanie Jane
Do you know what I mean?

24:38.48
fatimabey
absolutely most masking most masking no matter what topic we're talking about actually most masking is rooted in an insecurity of some sort we don't put ah yeah and very very valid point because sometimes we don't recognize people because they do put on a mask

24:40.50
Stefanie Jane
It's interesting. it

24:50.75
Stefanie Jane
So it's not always that person that's going into depression.

25:01.75
fatimabey
but you have to know someone to recognize what is or isn't a mask.

25:05.76
Stefanie Jane
Exactly.

25:05.72
fatimabey
So sometimes you're not gonna know it if you don't know the person, you're not gonna be able to recognize it, but if you do know the person, these are the things you can look for.