The Damage of Our Secrets: Episode #71

🎧 Breaking the Silence: A Survivor's Raw Truth About Family Secrets and Childhood Trauma! Join author Delicia Niami as she courageously shares her journey from abuse survivor to advocate, revealing how confronting painful secrets leads to true healing and transformation.

Through powerful personal narrative and hard-earned wisdom, Delicia exposes how family secrets shape lives while offering hope and practical guidance for those ready to face their own truths.

This vital episode explores:

• How unspoken trauma manifests in destructive behaviors and mental health struggles
• The critical importance of teaching children about body autonomy and safety early
• Why "getting over it" isn't possible without confronting past abuse
• Recognizing warning signs of abuse in children's behavior changes
• The complex dynamics of family secrets and generational trauma
• Finding healthy ways to release suppressed rage and pain
• Why breaking silence is essential for genuine healing

Perfect for: Abuse survivors seeking understanding and hope, parents wanting to protect their children, mental health professionals working with trauma, and anyone carrying the weight of family secrets. Plus: Essential insights about confronting painful truths while building resilience and reclaiming personal power.

To learn more about Delicia or access her books, please click on the link below.

https://www.delicianiami.com/

Transcript

Welcome to Mindshift Power podcast, a show for teenagers and the adults who work with them, where we have raw and honest conversations. I'm your host, Fatima Bey, the mind shifter. And welcome everyone. Today we have with with us Delisha Niami and she is in California. She's an author and an abuse survivor, and she has a very powerful perspective.

Some powerful words for you today. How are you doing today, Delisha? Great. Thank you so much for having me on. I really appreciate it.

Well, thank you for coming on. And as you know, I like to dive right into it. And I'm gonna start off with reading a quote from you, that I thought is just so powerful. And you said it to me during our conversation and, I actually made a post on social media. We talk a lot in this country about drugs, crime, suicide, and mental health.

How much of that do you think would be non existent if we empowered kids from a younger age to know that they are not at fault and do not have to harbor the guilt and shame internally. And dives right into this conversation because you could not be more right with that. I think that quote just basically sums up a lot of what we're gonna talk about in this conversation. So, Delisha, why don't you briefly tell the audience, why are you so passionate about family secrets? Well, you know, I am passionate about it because I lived through it, and I understand how it affected me now.

After doing so much work and so much reading and learning so much about myself and really looking at myself through an open lens with an open mind and doing the therapy and doing the hard work, I've realized that, you know, not only have I gone through hell in my life and back, which I never realized before, But I I wanted to share my message because I I made it through. And not only did I make it through, but I made it through, and I'm happy. And I am thriving as a person. So as a human being, I'm a well adjusted individual, and I have friends, and I'm happy. And, you know, there's no no issue with that with with there is issue with what happened with me, but I've learned how to deal with it as a human being.

And I've learned how to deal with my my traumas as they arise, and I've learned that through various ways. So I think it's important to talk about it, to share it with people. And the most important thing about that quote and why I said it was because I feel like I've internalized a lot of shame and a lot of guilt. And I have a lot of, like, demons inside that came from things that happened to me externally, from an external basis. So I feel like getting through that, and being able to help others and the way that we do that and the way that we start is by talking about it.

And pedophilia is so taboo in this country. Nobody ever talks about it. And I wanna be a crusader for that, and I wanna start talking about it and and telling kids that they have the power internally to not not harbor that shame and guilt and know that it wasn't your fault. I mean, the first time I was ever molested, he didn't even have to touch me. So it was just he he made me watch him jack off, and it was just I was frozen.

I couldn't move. I wasn't enjoying it, but I couldn't move. You know? And it was it traumatized me to no end, and it just kept getting worse and worse. And I didn't realize I was being groomed, and I didn't realize all this stuff.

And had somebody told me, had somebody talked to me about that, had I known, you know, that these things shouldn't be happening. You shouldn't be befriending somebody who, you know, is a almost a 40 year old man. That's not you know, a little girl walking down an alley by herself shouldn't be talking to strangers that are 40 years old. You know? And so I think in the at that time, it was the mid mid to late seventies, and it was a different era back then.

You know? Mhmm. And I think and I hope people talk to their kids more now. But, yeah, it was a different era back then, and I just think talking about it is so important. So to clarify, you you were you were, abused several times, not just by not just once.

You had ongoing abuse. Is is is that a good way to say it? I did. Yeah. Okay.

And so that became a family secret for you? I don't know if it was a family secret as much as it was an internal secret that I kept from my family. Okay. So because of the shame You're right. That's a better reason.

Internal shame and the internal guilt and feeling like it was my fault Mhmm. And feeling like maybe I did something wrong Mhmm. And feeling scared that maybe my mom wouldn't believe me. Feeling scared that maybe because, you know, eventually, they ended up I don't wanna give away too much of my book or be too brash, but, like, there's a part in Kissing Asphalt where, she ends up becoming friends with my molester, and I see them having sex. And it's very traumatizing.

Oh, wow. That's already traumatizing for me. It didn't even happen to me. Yeah. Very traumatizing.

So, yeah, the trigger warnings in my book are real. Yeah. So Well, so for someone right now who has secrets in a family that well, their secret, maybe they're because it's not just you holding back a secret from their family, because maybe their family doesn't know. Sometimes there's a secret within the family and some do know. What are the signs that there's something going on and someone's holding a detrimental secret, something that's harmful to themselves or that's traumatizing, maybe I should say?

What are some signs to look for? It's really hard it's really hard to know, and it's really hard to know when it's right in front of your face. And I'll tell you an example that, I'm not gonna name names, but I will say that somebody very close to me in my life that I have to. So my nephew, who, you know, lived with my brother. When I was 25, my brother, tried to molest me.

And I he got me drunk and I got passed out and I trusted him. It's another thing, like, we trust people that we can't always necessarily trust, but I trusted him. And this was a brother I just met when I was 15, so it wasn't like I know him. I grew up with him my whole life. But he he got me drunk and almost molested me with my nephew in the room.

And I didn't talk to him for, like, five years. And my whole relationship with my nephew was picking him up from his mother's house and spending time with my nephew that way. And I remember one time, it's gonna make me cry, but when my nephew was five, I went over and dropped him off for the weekend. And when my brother came to pick him up, he was screaming and crying. No.

No. No. No. No. I don't wanna go.

I don't wanna go. I don't wanna go. I don't wanna go. And and he was, like, grabbing on to me, and I just thought maybe he just wanted to spend more time with me because we loved each other so much. And I didn't think anything of it.

And then after my brother died, when my nephew was 13, and his mother shared with him the fact that my brother got me drunk and tried to rape me, which was, I thought, so ironic to share with your kid at 13 years old. But I talked to him about that, and he told me, don't worry, auntie. I understand. And I said, what do you mean? And he said he did it to me too.

And I said, are you kidding? And he said, oh, when I was little, like, three and four, I remember. And I'm like, oh my god. So that was happening back then, and I didn't notice. And I didn't even though I knew that my brother was a pedophile, I thought he only liked little girls, you know, and it was just crazy that I still and my nephew says it's okay, auntie.

And I'm like, no. I shoulda known with everything that I knew. With everything that I knew, I shoulda known. You know? And and I still kick myself for not doing something or saying something, but I I honestly I just it's so hard.

You know? It's so hard. So That's a big family secret. Yeah. No.

Well, it it was. So what happened to you, it sounds like the only person that knew was was his mother, or she knew because she told her. I don't know who else my brother might have told. Who knows? But his mom knew because I wasn't talking to him for five years, you know, because of it.

We didn't talk again until until, like, after my mom was killed. We ended up talking, and I took because I had to call him to tell him that my mom died. And, yeah. So then he he ended up changing, and it's all in the books. But yeah.

So what I what I'm also hearing you saying is my original question was what are the signs? One of the biggest signs is when the child is absolutely screaming in terror to go with their abuser. And that is a that is a common thing. And it doesn't I wanna say this to keep the conversation balanced for those who like to take everything to extremes. It doesn't mean every time a child is throwing a temper tantrum that someone's abusing them.

No. But This was a unique situation. It was very clear he did not wanna go with this problem specifically. Right. Not not just, no.

I don't wanna leave auntie or I don't wanna leave grandma because she makes best cookies. Not that that's a different kind of screaming, yelling than terror and fear. Please, please, please. No. No.

No. And there is a difference, but you really kinda have to know the child to know the difference. And so well, not always, but most I think more so. So for those of you listening, I want you to hear that when you see that over and over again. When you see that, that, you know, that is something.

But also when there is a change, and I've heard this from other abuse survivors. When there is a change, and I'm talking to the audience right now, there's all of a sudden a change in this person's you know, they were all happy go lucky before, and now they're just seem kind of depressed when they get around a certain person even if they're not screaming and yelling. Their behavior changes when they get around a certain person to go to a certain home. There's something about that person or home that is traumatizing or or really bad for them. And often, it's abuse of some sort.

May may not be sexual. It could be something else, but that is something that you wanna take a look at. Because some of these secrets, man. Alright. I have a question for you, Delicia.

Bring it. We teach our kids to not allow certain things when they are young instead of waiting until they're victims. I think absolutely. I mean, if you look at my nephew was three, four when it started happening, you know, maybe it's hard because how do you their little minds aren't really developed yet. So how do you, like, make them understand something like that?

Maybe they don't. Maybe there's a way. I don't know, man. It would be really cool to write, like, a like, a book for kids that, like, somehow makes them aware without, like, damaging their I don't know. It's it's it's a very delicate balance.

It is, but I'm gonna chime in right here, and state my very strong opinion on this topic. Talk to your kids. I don't care how old they are. Talk to them about molestation and rape. Don't wait until it happens to them.

A lot of times, and I've talked to many victims. A lot of times, these conversations didn't happen till after the fact. And that's the problem. The problem is when you don't address the issue, the issue will address your kids before it's too late. And then it's too late.

Exactly. And they they don't understand when they're two. When you're talking to them at two years old, it could be happening to them. You don't know what they're doing. You don't have to necessarily say all the the big words.

You just simply say nobody touches you here. Don't, you know, don't let any adult show you their private parts. It could be as simple as that. Because I promise you, if you don't have those conversations with the children, the molesters are waiting for you to not have the conversation so they could be the one to introduce them to something and make them think it's normal. Or don't let any adult touch you in any manner that makes you feel uncomfortable in any way.

You you need to have those conversations. You can put your own words to it because all of us don't talk the same, and that's fine. Put your own wording to that. But It's super important. To parents.

Put your own wording to that. But parents are guardians because not all kids are living with their parents. So if you're a guardian, I don't care who you trust, make sure that child is prepared. I will personally talk about my own experience with that. I was never molested, but I do believe a large part of why I was never molested because my mother ingrained in us, don't you let nobody touch you here.

Before Good for her. I was even eight years old, I already knew that those were off limits. And if anybody ever did a try even attempted to do anything, I already knew how to react. And I do think that it would have happened to me because I could think of a couple instances if my mother hadn't already prepared my mind for it. She didn't go into all graphic details because she didn't need to.

I was little. But all of you that think your kids are too little for stuff, our society doesn't think they're too little for it. At two years old, they're watching sex on your phone, even though you think they're not. It's shoved in their face. Don't wait until the abusers catch them.

Get your kids prepared because they're coming for them whether you like it or not. And I know that's a hard thing to hear, but I want you to I wanna tell you the truth because I want you to be prepared. And I'm very passionate on this topic because I have seen way too many victims that were this conversation if it had had happened, they would have reacted different. It will not stop everything. It will not stop everyone.

But what I am saying is that it can make a difference. And the child will at least know that something wrong was done to them instead of taking that guilt on for themselves and thinking that they did something wrong or they're the slut or they're the whatever garbage that they're told. Alright. I'm off my soapbox. Okay.

I'm on it with you. I I had to say that because I think it's so important. Say as much as you I agree wholeheartedly. We're not gonna change things until we start talking about it. We gotta start talking about it.

You know? I have a question for you now. If someone is listening right now, they have been through abuse. It's now stopped, but they never told anyone about it. Is it over?

Should they just continue to keep it a secret? I mean, I guess it depends on the person. For me, it wouldn't be over. Personally, I can only speak for myself. But, like, if that were my situation, no.

I don't think so at all. Like, I would still be feeling all of the internal shame and all of the internal guilt. I mean, hey. Listen. My my abuser actually came to the hospital when I first got diagnosed with Crohn's disease.

This is in the second book, not my circus. And he apologized to me Oh, wow. About, like, a deep heartfelt, sincere apology Oh, okay. Knowing that he probably had something to do with the fact that I had Crohn's disease and Oh, wow. The stress levels that he caused me, and he it was I remained friends with him because he was like a father figure to me.

It was a very strange dichotomy to love your abuser in that way. You know? Mhmm. But I I think that had I not had those conversations, I wouldn't have been able to heal as much. And I've also done plant medicine, which is gonna be talked about in the third book, where I've my brother was in the room with me, but I've I've done plant medicine where he said he felt like the cops were gonna come, and it sounded like there was a triple homicide going on in there.

He had never heard the guttural screams coming out of me like he had heard before. And when I when I came out of it, I didn't have a voice. And I said, I don't know why I'm hoarse, and they both started laughing because and then when I started thinking about it days later, I realized that, like, I think and this might be really weird, but I think I went to the underworld where all of my molesters are already dead. And I just, like, unleashed my rage on them, like, in a major way. And it was, like, you know, my brother, my main molester, and my uncle, and I just unleashed on them.

And I think that's it it just this I even after all the work I did and after all the therapy I've done, I still had this, like, incredible rage in me from what had happened to me and the fact that I had been violated on such a major level. You know? You know? And I feel like there was a difference after that? I feel like I had less rage, I guess, towards it.

It was more about getting that rage out. Like, I let them know how I felt about what they did to me and that it was not cool and that, you know, basically, they could all go f themselves. And I just, you know, I really just let them have it, and it and it felt great to be able to do that. And that release is important, and and everybody doesn't need to release in the same way. No.

But that release is important because you just answered that. The question I asked was if something is you know, something happened a long time ago, it's in the past, Should we confront them, or does it still affect us? And the answer is absolutely still affects us. And I will add to that 100% of the time it still affects you until you deal with it. I always say if you don't deal with the issue, the issues will deal with you.

And until you deal with the issue, the issue is already dealing with you. It's already affecting your life. It's already affecting your relationship. It's even affecting your job because it's affecting how you think. And until you deal with it, how you whether or not you need to confront and how you confront, that's gonna be different.

And, again, I'm talking to the audience with this piece. It's gonna be different for each one of us. I agree with Delisha in that each one of you, the answer is gonna be slightly different. But burying it because it's it it it would happen a long time ago, so it's over. It's not over until you confront it 100% of the time.

It is not over till you confront it in one way or another. If you can't confront them, you might need to write it out. You might need to go do an axe go to one of those, what do you what do you call those? A those anger management things where you just destroy things until you get it out. Oh, it's a break room.

Yes. That's what they're calling. I've done them before. And it it's okay to do something like that, but we all need to do something like that because those secrets that we're hold that you're holding on to, they're they're doing more damage than you realize because that damage is internal. Just because you're smiling on the outside, you might have money, you might have fame, you might have status, you might be okay on the outside or so it seems, it's affecting you on the inside because it's still eating you.

And that's so important. So I did that for a long time. Fake it till you make it. You you you can. But once we once we face once we actually face that demon in the face Mhmm.

That's when we can be begin to climb over what we've been under. That's right. That sounds like that's what happened for you. I'm sorry. Say it again?

When the real healing begins. Ex exactly. And that sounds like that's what happened for you. So you you were you've referred to your book a couple of times. So tell us, what it is that you do, and how can people find you?

So I have written a memoir trilogy series called resilient AF, and the first book is called kissing asphalt. It's out and available on all different formats including audiobook, and you can find it everywhere on Apple Books, whatnot. The same, the next book is called not my circus, and the audiobook will be coming out soon, but it's available on all other formats right now, but probably in a couple months. The audiobook will be available. And then the third book, which is the last and final book in the series, is called The Queen of Silver Linings, and I hope that will be out on my birthday in March of next year.

And you can find me at DeliciaNiami.com, which is delicianiami.com, or Delicia Niami author on Instagram and, on Facebook. I'm I'm as as many places and on TikTok too. So All of that is on her website, deletion, deletionniami.com, which will be in the podcast description, or show notes. And, there's so much more I wanted to to to really kinda talk about in this podcast, but we wanna keep it to a reasonable attention span. So, we're ending it here, but I hope that all of you heard some of you only heard a teeny, teeny, tiny piece of her story, actually.

There's a lot more. So I do recommend that you take a look at her books. There's a lot more details in there and a lot more, I would say you wanna sit down while you're reading it. She's got she's got a lot more to say, and she's very passionate about helping others through their trauma. And there's Just to have to say one more time that the trigger warnings are were are real because they have triggered people, which I think in a good way.

So I mean, one guy told me who apparently had a way worse life than me, he had been locked in a basement and abused and all this stuff. And he goes and I and I never mentioned therapy once in my first book, and he only read my first book. And he goes, and he's older than I am, and he goes, you know, I never thought about therapy until I read your book. Wow. Wow.

It just sells how effective it can be, and that's I love that. I love that. I do recommend that all of you read her books. You you do she's very, as you can see, unfiltered and just you need to take it in doses, but I think it's can be powerful, just learning her story and what what she's gone through. And even if you haven't been abused in the way that she has, I still think there's something to learn from her story.

So thank you again, Delisha, for for coming on, and we appreciate it. Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it. And now for a mind shifting moment, I want to plant this thought seed in your head today. What secrets are you holding?

And then I want you to answer the next question. Are they doing damage? I promise you, if you really examine the answer to that, it is always yes. What kind of damage it's doing and to whom? That's gonna be different for each of us.

But secrets are damaging when we're holding back the things that we need to be talking about so we can deal with. And although they may be painful, although they may be uncomfortable, the freedom and release that comes after they come out outweighs all of that. Just think about that. Thank you for listening to Mindshift Power Podcast. Please like and subscribe to my YouTube channel at the mind shifter.

If you have any comments, topic suggestions, or would like to be a guest on the show, please visit FatimaBay.com/podcast. Remember, there's power in shifting your thinking. Tune in for next week.