The Trauma Master: Episode #73

🎧 Join licensed therapist Erica Bess as she reveals how unaddressed trauma acts like an invisible snake, striking at our relationships and happiness until we learn to tame it.

Through expert insight and authentic experience, Erica exposes how trauma manifests in our daily lives while offering hope and practical guidance for moving from victim to victor.

This transformative episode explores:

• Why trauma affects every relationship, from romance to work
• The critical difference between getting over trauma versus getting through it
• How seemingly "weird" behaviors often mask unresolved pain
• Why comparing traumas never helps healing
• The signs you're beginning to master your trauma
• Building healthy coping skills while honoring your journey
• Finding the right professional support for your healing

Perfect for: Anyone carrying the weight of past wounds, those questioning their emotional reactions, people struggling with relationships, and those seeking to understand trauma's impact on themselves or loved ones. Plus: Essential insights about recognizing trauma responses while building resilience.

To learn more about Erica Bess, please click below

http://EricaBess.com

Transcript

Welcome to Mindshift Power podcast, a show for teenagers and the adults who work with them, where we have raw and honest conversations. I'm your host, Fatima Bey, the mind shifter. And welcome everyone. Today, we have with us return guests, Erica Bess, the trauma master. She's a licensed therapist.

She has twelve plus years of experience as a social worker and therapist, and she owns Empower Therapy. She can help you master your trauma instead of your trauma mastering you. How are you today, Erica? I'm doing well. How are you, Fatima?

I'm good. I'm really looking forward to this conversation, and I hope that it's really helpful for someone. So as you know, in my normal fashion, I like to dive right in. Yes. What Please explain to us.

What is trauma? Trauma is a emotional response to a distressing event that can cause a person to feel unsafe, threatened, or in danger. And it could be something as small as, act of violence. Well, that couldn't be that's not that small, but something as far as, like, act of violence. It could be as small as stubbing your toe on a table and then you having a reaction every time you get close to a table and you're you're freaked out every time you get close to it because you hurt your toe.

Or it could be something catastrophic where your house got on fire or, go into domestic violence. There's many different types of trauma, but all of them affect you in a way where you feel unsafe. Oh, okay. So having said all of that, I want you to because I want people to really realize that the word trauma is even though you just defined it, it's so generalized when people hear it. So what are some of the other words or phrases that people use when they really mean trauma?

Oh, a good one is, triggered. Or if you hear, I've got issues and they don't really wanna say the word trauma. Maybe they don't even know the word trauma exists. Right. But a lot of the language has developed around it, but it means trauma.

What are some other words? Let's see. I would say triggered is definitely a word I hear a lot, and I feel like it's overused. Oh, it definitely is overused. I talked about it in an episode a few weeks ago.

Mhmm. I did an episode called mental, mental fashion and how people overuse that word like like it's a new clothing item. Yeah. And they do. And, yeah, that's one of the words people use, but there are many, many different words that people use.

And I wanna say that to the audience, the word trauma has its definition as she just read, but as she just stated, but just know that sometimes people don't recognize that that's what they're dealing with and talking about. Mhmm. So why do you specialize in trauma? I specialize in trauma because I've had my own experience with trauma, and I feel like I have done personal work as an individual and as a clinician to help me get over and through my trauma. And I feel like the things that I have learned, I've always wanted to help implement with other people who I'm working with to help them overcome their trauma as well.

So that's always been my space of, working with with therapy and social work. How does someone know that they have trauma? I think the biggest thing that somebody could know that they have trauma is that they have difficulty in their relationships with other people, and they might keep hitting a brick wall. And when I say brick wall, keep finding themselves in situations where they're not getting along with people, not able to relate to others, and find themselves isolated because the way that they react to certain situations might push other people away from them, and they'll find themselves lonely. Oh, that's a big one.

How they react in relationships, that is huge. Yeah. Because there's a whole lot of people running from relationship to relationship and getting caught up in the details of that, of why they broke up or what went wrong, when in fact, they have undealt with trauma that keeps getting triggered over and over and over again. Absolutely. And they keep blaming the other person when in fact it's what you carrying around with you.

Yeah. And no matter what that other person does to try to make that person feel secure, it's gonna keep hitting a brick wall. So that person would definitely need to seek some professional help. That's how they would know that they have that. Thought of an analogy.

Just thought of an analogy just now. Mhmm. And I'm gonna say it to the audience. Trauma is like a, carrying around a snake. You don't realize the snake is in your bag and your clothes.

It just keeps running around all over you. And the second you get close to somebody, that snake bites somebody. And then you look at that person like, why are you jumping back? Right. What's wrong with you?

What's wrong with you? You don't like my pet snake? Right. When in fact, the snake the snake keeps biting everybody you get close to because you haven't dealt with that snake. Right.

And that snake and and you have become so close that you don't even realize that he's biting you and that you've been poisoned and that you're living with the poison inside of you. Oh, there you go. Taking my knowledge to the next level. To the next level, girl. That that is absolutely true.

And I because I want I I like to give people visuals to really kinda get the point, what trauma does. And it it it affects does can trauma also affect people at work? Absolutely. Any when I say relationship, I don't mean just boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife relationship. I'm talking about relationship with your family, relationships with your coworkers, relationships with bosses, relationships with your children, any type of relationship that you have with a person.

And if you have undealt trauma, it could affect any relationship that you have. Right. For example, I'm gonna give make make this up. Make it's made up, but it's not really made up. I know someone that was raped by drunk men.

Mhmm. So when they get around the smell of a lot of alcohol, it traumatizes them and brings them back to that moment. Absolutely. So going to bars is not a good idea for them. Right.

Because it triggers it. It elicits a response that makes them kinda spiral out. Now everybody's gonna do something different when they spiral out. We're not all the same. But Absolutely.

That's a pretty deep and harsh one, very sensitive one, but it's a real one, and I've seen it. Absolutely. You know, we we we've been cheated on. So Yeah. Now we think everybody we're dating is a cheater.

Is a cheater. Yeah. We got trust issues. We've been traumatized in that particular area. Mhmm.

Just giving people more examples. We've been traumatized in that particular area. So now every time we get into a relationship, we give the person we're with the undue burden of constantly proving themselves Absolutely. And affirming you. And what you really need to deal with is is the trauma that that trust issue came from.

Most of the time when people have trust issues, it didn't just come from somebody cheating on them. Nine times out of 10, I find it actually came from something deeper. It you know, what I found out with being a therapist, I found out that it comes from either your parental figures or your biological parents, whoever raised you. And, especially, I noticed when you are not raised by your biological mother, like, if you've been adopted, if you've been in foster care, if you were raised by a grandparent, there's always seems to be some kind of void that I've noticed as a therapist in those types of people. So they might need a if you are one of those people, I would suggest that you definitely get a consultation with a therapist just to see if there's anything there that you don't even realize that you're traumatized by.

It's a snake running around biting everything around you. Right. You're so immune to the snake. Yeah. You're so immune to the snake.

You don't even know. So just go get a consultation to see because I think those people are definitely at a higher risk of trauma and not having those initial relationships established. So then it makes every relationship that they have going forward difficult. You know? Right.

And I I would say going back to what, Erica said, I'm talking to the audience again. I would I just wanna kinda reiterate what Erica said earlier A lot, and I do mean I I I'm making up my own number, but I believe 90% of relationship issues come from undealt with trauma in one form or another. Yep. Either be your mother or your father. Yeah.

Or Or whoever raised you or yeah. I'm never experienced that. Yeah. Whatever it is. And then there's multiple traumas on top of traumas.

Usually. That could be your initial. Yeah. And then boom. But nobody makes it out of this life without experiencing some sort of trauma.

That is very true. You've said that before. And the more I deal with people, the more I recognize that that is true. Mhmm. And you think you haven't dealt with trauma, that what that tells me is that you don't recognize your snake.

Yeah. That's what that tells me. Some people walk around with boa constrictors and pythons. Yep. They got a whole Anaconda festival going on.

Right. Right. I got a little tree snake in my bag. I'm okay. Right.

Right. No. It's it's true. I'll use that analogy from now on. So once we recognize we have trauma, what do we do?

I think once we recognize it, it's time for us to take some steps as individuals to say, okay. What is my trauma? Where did it come from? Let me speak to a professional and have a cons consultation with a professional to really get it analyzed by somebody who's in the field and is qualified to tell you, you know, what what you've experienced is definitely a traumatic event for you. And then they might be able to also diagnose you with a post traumatic stress disorder, which is a byproduct of trauma, which is basically a disorder that you develop when you are traumatized by something that really affects you deeply.

And you might have symptoms such as hypervigilance, anger, moodiness, anxiety, and this comes from I I hate to use the word trigger, but let's say you like you said, the, like, you have a car accident. Right? And every time you come to the same spot where you had that car accident Oh, yeah. You start to get the emotional feelings of what happened right before it, and then your body might respond physically. Your hands might start getting sweaty.

You start having chest pains and rapid heartbeat, and then you start to get shaky again around the same area that you had that same car accident. So something like that. That's that's Yeah. Considered PTSD as well. Flashbacks, nightmares.

Let's say it's like somebody got raped. They're more likely to have trauma, nightmares and flashbacks and coming back or, like you said, the smell of the beer as a an example, that's a trauma response, a flashback, to the event that happened. So anytime she smells that or any type of sound could trigger it as well. She she's taken back into that moment, and she's suffering from the PTSD that came from that actual trauma traumatic event. I can tell you that when you talked about the car accident, I was like, yeah.

I was just talking about that with a a young woman who got into a car accident. And just talking about the trauma that came from that for me. It was many years ago now, but I got into a a bad car accident where there was one witness, and he was shocked that I was alive. And in that area where the car accident happened, I would not travel. And any area that looked like that area, I would not get on that road.

And it took me a while to be able to travel in those types of, no shoulder rural areas again. Mhmm. And I remember almost having a just almost hyperventilating when a friend of mine, and I was a passenger, he was driving. He lived out in the country. He was driving on that same type of road.

Oh my goodness. And I just was almost freaking out because I was traumatized from that accident. Took me a while to get alert, but I eventually, I did. But but it it can be. There's so many different kinds of trauma.

So is everybody's trauma is everybody's trauma the same? Absolutely not. Just like we all have different fingerprints, we all have different traumas, we all have different upbringing, and we all have different responses to to the traumas. Yeah. But your trauma is not as bad as mine, so it can't be that bad.

Right? You can't tell anybody how bad their trauma is because they're the ones who are experiencing it. You know? Right. So it's every individual for their own, and and each therapist will deal with it as it comes, but nobody's is the same for sure.

Even if we experience the same thing. Like, let's say we both That's true. That's true. Got raped. I might experience it this way, and you could have experienced it this way.

You know? But we went through the same trauma. Mhmm. The and by the way, sidebar, and I know I've said this several times on different episodes. If you have been sexually assaulted or raped, you one thousand percent have trauma.

Mhmm. And if you think you can just run by life and get over it without help, you are 1000% wrong. Absolutely. It is never ever ever ever ever ever never never never ever true that you don't need some kind of mental help if you've been through that. Right.

I have never seen it. I've counseled way too many people to believe otherwise. Absolutely. When you were talking about, going back and what certain things brought up for you for the, car accident. I was thinking about what you just said about the trauma with the sexual assault and things like that and what my own sexual abuse, I would refuse to go down the street that it happened on for years.

I would avoid the street, mhmm, because it would bring up the memories. And if I saw the house, it was just like, oh, boy. So I would make my way to go all the way around the corner so I didn't have to go down that block. I wanna add to that to the I'm talking to listeners right now. If you haven't been through some of the stuff we're talking about, whether you have or not, actually, when you see poop people acting, quote, unquote, weird about things, I want you to think about this episode.

Mhmm. 90% of the time when people are acting, quote, unquote, weird, they're not freaking weird. They're reacting to trauma and sometimes don't know what else to do. Mhmm. Think about that.

The next time you think that someone's acting weird or funny, dig a little deeper because nine times out of 10, they reacted to some sort of trauma, and they're not weird. Absolutely. I used to flinch sometimes after I was in a domestic violence relationship years later and being in a new relationship. And my boyfriend would maybe try to go reach for something or try to give me a hug, and I would flinch. And he would ask me, why do you do that?

I'm I'm never gonna hit you. And I was like, oh, I didn't even realize I was doing it, but that's because I had been in a relationship prior to that with so much physical abuse that I was afraid when I would see a hand go up. And that was my trauma response. Yeah. And there's a lot of people out there who are like that now.

And by the way, we're not just talking about women because this happens to men a lot, and they just don't talk about it. Mhmm. So if you are a man listening and we're we're talking about you too. Absolutely. You guys need the more support than than anybody because nobody believes you guys when you speak up and say, hey.

Yeah. This girl is hitting on me and stuff. And it's the men that have the respect for women not to hit them back who are getting beat up at home and tortured. Yeah. And it it does happen, you guys.

It it it's a real thing. Yeah. It just happens a lot more than you think. And then someone then call, and then the police won't even take them serious. Yeah.

That's gotta change in our culture. Absolutely. In our culture. Absolutely. Does anyone completely get over their trauma?

I would say if it's a real extensive trauma, I don't think that they completely get over it. I think they have to go through some things and do their own personal work so that they can function at a higher level. But when it comes to completely getting over it, I don't think you're ever gonna forget what you've gone through unless you've had a lobotomy. And I feel like the memory is gonna always be there. There may be something that might always bring that memory to the forefront of your mind.

But when you do the therapy that you need to do and the personal work that comes with the therapy, I think that you can get yourself into a much healthier place and develop a lot of balance so that your relationships can also reflect that, and you can function at a healthy level in everything that you do once you get the help that you need and address the trauma for what it is. And check yourself. You basically have to check yourself when when you're dealing with trauma because it's like, well, how am I affecting other people with my trauma? So what I'm hearing is that you can you can get over your trauma instead of staying under it. Absolutely.

But you'll never completely, leave all parts of it behind. Yeah. That's right. Yeah. Gonna be parts of it in you or around you or about you.

Absolutely. We all have memories. There's certain memories that just will that no matter how much therapy you get, some memories are just imprinted. You know? Right.

And you can talk to your therapist to process it. You can talk to your therapist about developing coping skills to help you deal with it. But a therapist doesn't have a magic wand or an eraser that can clear your mind. Right. You know?

And anyone that tells you that they that they do, please run. Yeah. Because they're lying and stealing your money. Liars. Now can you give us some examples of what it looks like when someone has is mastering, mastering their trauma?

Oh, when it what it looks like when you are mastering your your trauma. Okay. So you're gonna start to feel a lot more positive. You're gonna start to, take better care of yourself. Your self care is gonna go up.

You're gonna start doing things that make you happy. You're gonna start surrounding yourself with positive people and line yourself with opportunities. You might reconnect spiritually with God and, even volunteer, do something for your community. Like, you're gonna be very positive and have a mindset of doing good and thinking positive, and it's just going to reflect in all areas of your life. That's a really good those are some really great examples of Thank you.

How to tell when you can when you've begun to master your trauma. Mhmm. Because I think sometimes if we if we don't mention those things, people think, well, if I'm not at a I'm at a right now. If I'm not at z, well, then I didn't go anywhere. Right.

No. Progress is a process. Yeah. And all everything you just mentioned is part of that progress. Mhmm.

And you begin to say, wait a minute. You know what? I don't really care that much about being near the bar anymore. Right. That's an that's That's huge.

That's a huge, huge, huge, huge. Yeah. Yeah. I think communication as well. I forgot that.

Like, you'll be able to communicate more effectively once you're, you know, dealing with your trauma, and you'll be able to express to others rather than shutting down or rather than blowing up and getting an attitude or cursing somebody out who didn't deserve it because you didn't deal with your trauma. You know? I think when you start to respond better with those type of behaviors, I think that's when you know that you're starting to make progress for sure. Yep. Good good point.

So let me ask you this. What advice do you have for the listener right now that is just recognizing some of what you're talking about? If you are recognizing any of the things that we have spoken about today, I think that it would be wise for you to just do some research on a therapist and ask around and see if they are a good fit for you and just have a conversation with them. Do a free consultation and see if some of the things that we spoke about here, today are some of the things that are reflected in your life. And just kinda speak with somebody, connect with them, see if they match your vibe, and start doing therapy.

And stop carrying that snake around. Yeah. Get that snake get that snake out the bag. We don't need the snakes anymore. And if you get that which you can tame it.

Tame the snake you can tame it. Tame the snake. For real. For real. Once you begin to recognize it.

Say the snake is gone, but the snake could be tamed. Yeah. Right. Mhmm. It can be tamed, or its teeth can be removed.

Yeah. Devenim yeah. Absolutely. Devenimized so that it can't hurt those around you or yourself anymore. Devenimized by therapizing.

Yep. By therapizing. Speaking of of of, getting a good therapist who can help you, Erica is the trauma master. So she specifically specializes in helping people to get over their trauma instead of staying under it. Absolutely.

So, Erica, tell them what services you do offer. Well, I provide individual counseling, family counseling, with my Empower Therapy, and then I work with you with Bay and Best. And Bay and Best is basically groups for women, teenagers all the way up to grown women that we help get them through their trauma. I'm not gonna say over through their trauma by support. So I'm doing I have my hands in a lot of things, but I'm definitely doing individual counseling and group counseling.

And do you do them virtually? I do. My empowered therapy services are completely a % virtual. So that means that everybody listening Yeah. Can get ahold of you if they really want to, and they actually want to, as I like to say, get over what they've been under when it comes to trauma.

You are in New York state, I can treat you. Yes. Absolutely. We can help you master your trauma. And how can people find you?

Erica Best dot com. Could you spell that? Yes. I can. E r I c a b e s s dot c o m.

And it will be in the podcast description and the show notes for those of you if you wanna get a hold of her and see what else she's doing. And, yes, with, I just wanted to reiterate with BAE and BESS. That's something that we work on together, And we do group therapy sessions for teenage girls, women adult abuse survivors, and Spanish speaking women. But the, Resilient Roses, which is our our group for the women adult abuse survivors, we specialize in, helping women with their trauma. And we get them from all different walks of life and we absolutely love it.

And you couldn't pay us to not do it because it's wonderful to watch people get breakthroughs. So it's something that we're both very passionate about and, and enjoy helping people Absolutely. To move to their next level. We see where they start grow. Sorry.

Say it again. We see where they start when they first start working with us, and we watch their growth over time. Oh my god. Yeah. It's so amazing.

It's so exhilarating, really. Like, we get so freaking excited. Like, we just went to the biggest candy store in the world, and we're a kid after our sessions, you know, because we're like, oh my god. Did you see that? This is so awesome.

So once again, Erica, that's Trauma Master. Thank you for coming out again. Thank you for having me. And now for a mind shifting moment. For everyone listening right now, I know for a fact that most of you have undealt with trauma.

You can try to deny it. You can pretend it's not there, or you can sweep it under the rug and pretend like it's not a big deal. But I promise you, what you haven't dealt with is already dealing with you. What sort of thing have you been through or dealt with that has affected your mindset, your attitude, your fears, your beliefs, your feelings. What have you, what do you have in your treasure chest, in your closet that you just chose to put away?

I promise you it's already affecting you. I would admonish you today to try to start to do something about it. You'll never get over a thing. You'll never get through a thing overnight, but you can start today. Thank you for listening to mind shift power podcast.

Please like, and subscribe to my YouTube channel at the mind shifter. If you have any comments, topic suggestions, or would like to be a guest on the show, please visit FatimaBay.com/podcast. Remember, there's power in shifting your thinking. Tune in for next week.