Stop Fighting Yourself: Replace Drama with Decisions (Episode 112)

Ever notice how waiting to “feel like it” quietly kills your best plans? We sit down with author and podcaster Daryl Ditmer to explore why feelings make lousy captains and how discipline and consistency can steer you toward a life you actually want to wake up to. Daryl shares the blunt mantra that changed his trajectory—do the right thing especially when you don’t feel like it—and backs it with a raw story of teen addiction, a rock-bottom New Year’s, and the first shaky steps into a 12‑step room.

We dig into the difference between fleeting happiness and durable fulfillment, the real role of fear, and the myth that freedom means doing whatever you want. Daryl explains why discipline is not punishment but permission: the habits you protect become the map to peace of mind, better relationships, and meaningful work. He also reframes “the fight” most of us wage inside our heads. Instead of running the “ass kicking machine” when we make mistakes, he shows how to turn down the self-attack, accept confusion as part of growth, and keep your eyes on the windshield—what you can do next—rather than the rearview.

If you’re 16 and overwhelmed by vibes and pressure, or 46 and tired of drifting, this conversation offers practical tools: acknowledge fear without shame, pick one hard action and do it anyway, and build your life before someone else scripts it for you. We close with Daryl’s resources, including his books When I Stop Fighting and When You Stop Fighting, and his podcast that spotlights honest stories of change across generations.

If the message hits home, follow, share this episode with someone who needs a push, and leave a quick review to tell us the one hard thing you’re committing to this week.

To learn more about Daryl, please visit: 

https://www.daryldittmer.com/ 

Chapters

• 0:02 Welcome And Guest Introduction
• 0:24 Daryl’s Humble Beginnings
• 3:20 The Mantra: Do It Anyway
• 6:47 From Missteps To Rock Bottom
• 10:32 Feeling Fear And Moving Forward
• 13:36 Discipline, Consistency, And Freedom
• 18:18 Stop Fighting Yourself
• 22:43 Learning From Mistakes
• 25:04 Build Your Own Life
• 30:00 Where To Find Daryl
• 32:54 Host’s Mind‑Shifting Moment

Transcript

Fatima Bey: 0:02

Mind Shift Power Podcast. This is Mind Shift Power Podcast, the number one critically acclaimed podcast where we have raw, unfiltered conversations that shape tomorrow. I'm your host, Fatima Bay, the Mind Shifter. And welcome everyone. Today we have with us Daryl Dittmer. He is out of the state of Georgia in the USA. He is a podcast host and an author. And you're going to find out he's actually a lot more. So I like to dive right into the conversation. Tell us, Daryl, tell us your background and why are you here?

Daryl Dittmer: 0:40

Thanks so much for having me on, Fatima. My background is, I guess it would be best characterized as a fairly humble and interestingly tumultuous beginning to my life in the Midwest. And, you know, I started off as just a regular kid. I loved sports. You know, my dad was a mechanic. My mom took care of us kids. You know, it seemed like a regular sort of life. And uh and and it really was for quite some time. My parents were both pretty tough people. Uh my dad was uh a Korean War veteran, like I said, a mechanic, just kind of a blue-collar, tough Midwestern guy. And my mom took care of the household. And sometimes I like to think my mom was tougher than my dad. Um, but that's that's from whence I came. And why am I here? I'm here to help. I really, my life has been one that's been characterized by once I got my own head out of my butt, um, I've had a wonderful life. And it's had its ups and it's had its downs and it's had challenges and lessons and addiction and traumas and all that kind of stuff that everybody experiences to one degree or another. Um, and I've moved through those things. And and I really, and I moved through a lot of them at a fairly young age. Um, so that I was able to open up my life to other things, other good things, other positive and helpful things. And now my intention in life is to pass on the things that I've learned.

Fatima Bey: 2:27

And I'm glad that you're here to do that. I think some of the greatest wisdom that we could ever obtain is the crap we go through. That there's nobody I know that's wise, that's lived a perfect life, and they've never been through anything. Well, there is, but we have to close our eyes because they're only in our imagination. It's what we go through that actually helps us to gain the wisdom that we can share with others. So I appreciate that you that you want to share your wisdom with others. And we're gonna talk about your some of your philosophies because I think they're powerful for all of us, uh, regardless of age. Um, but especially in our in our current, at least Western society, uh, we're gonna talk a lot about that. So you have a brutally honest mantra that says, Daryl, no one cares how you feel. Get off your ass and do it anyway. Our culture teaches us to follow our feelings. So, why is this your mantra?

Daryl Dittmer: 3:27

Because I was told uh by a mentor of mine many, many years ago, and and and you know, the the wonderful thing about youth is I didn't understand a bit of it. Uh the wonderful thing about getting a little older and experiencing things, like you had mentioned, is I can start to get those things via my experiences. But if my experiences are only things that I want to do, and only things that feel good, and only things where I'm, oh, I just want to be happy all the time, and you know, I want to be, you know, my my sort of pie in the sky, head in the clouds kind of thing. That's not going to lead me to happiness or contentment or fulfillment. And I look at I look at happiness quite honestly as more fleeting. But contentment and fulfillment, I think, are what we're all looking for to whatever degree. And there's a lot of things that go into being contented and fulfilled. But how do I get there? And and so a mentor of mine said to me a long time ago, uh, as I got involved in a 12-step program at the age of 19, he said, Daryl, the best time to go to a meeting is when you don't feel like it. The best time to work out is when you don't feel like it. The best time to do the things that are the best for you sometimes is when you don't feel like it. And that's why, and I'm not discounting people's feelings or discounting my own feelings, but but sometimes we have to take that hard line with ourselves, not necessarily with anybody else, but with ourselves and say, and I have to say to myself, Daryl, I don't care how you feel, go do it. Why? Because that's what gets results. If it truly is, and and I've done a lot of wrong stuff. I've done a lot of dumb stuff, I've done a lot of things that don't contribute, or or I should say, they contribute to my uh demise, or they contribute to me going in the wrong direction. You know, I was when I was a kid, I got involved in drinking and then drugs and, you know, 13 years old, and and and as it as it went over the course of my teenage years, I got involved in criminal stuff, and I got involved in lying and cheating and stealing, just not being a good person. And that was me doing what I thought was, oh, I'm just gonna do life and I'm gonna have fun. I'm gonna be a nut job and I'm gonna, I'm gonna be bad to people, and all that sort of stuff. And it's like it and and you know what it made me? You know what it got me? It got me miserable. It got me to the point where January uh December 31st of 1984, I was at a New Year's Eve party, and I was the loneliest and most miserable I'd ever been at any point in my life. I had just turned 19 years old, and the thought came to me maybe I don't want to be on this planet. Maybe I don't want to be here. That's what it got me. That's what that's what doing just what I thought I wanted to do got me. And I had to learn a different way of life.

Fatima Bey: 6:57

You're absolutely right. Only doing what we feel like doing, what feels good all the time, does lead to misery. That's why we have so many rich and famous people who are miserable. They have enough money to get and do whatever they want. Yet they're not happy. You know, people don't think about that. Absolutely. But let's um as you said, you you call out the trap of I don't feel like it. Uh today's youth are drowning in a culture of vibes and feelings. What about someone who feels paralyzed by fear and lack of motivation? How do they take the first step to do it anyway?

Daryl Dittmer: 7:36

You know, that's a difficult place to be. And and I have been there and I and I want to acknowledge, certainly, because I've been there, that it is difficult. And it and it feels like, and I I say now, I have a brother who is quite honestly a little older than me, and I love him to death. He's a wonderful human being, and he's great, but he still gets paralyzed by fears. And and that has not changed for him over the course of time. And I really think it's important to look at. I studied successful people, and when I say successful, I don't mean necessarily financially. I mean people who have great relationships, who have some contentment in their lives, who have peace of mind, who have meaning or purpose. And, you know, financial security can come with all that stuff, but but those are the people, and if we listen to those people, they will say you have to feel the fear and do it anyway. And it's okay to have the fear. And I think that's an important thing for people to understand, especially younger people, um, because younger people will feel the fear if it's unfamiliar territory. And and I still feel fear sometimes about things that I don't necessarily want to do. And, you know, writing a book and doing a podcast was like, oh man, really? You know, people who knew who know me from back in the day would say, Daryl does a podcast. I didn't want to. I didn't want to. I really and I didn't want to be a guest on podcasts, but but if the larger goal, and I think this is an important thing for to for for younger folks to understand, if your larger goal includes steps that are scary, you have to take the steps that are scary to get to the larger goal. And sometimes you just got to buckle down and talk yourself into it. And I did that many, many times. Many, many times I had to do that. Daryl, I and I I think another place where we get stuck, and and you know, this is the part of the fight that I talk about in some of my work, is is we get stuck because we tell ourselves, well, I'm just gonna, you know, I don't, I'm not scared. I'm and meanwhile, you're paralyzed. Like, just understand that you are scared. And it's okay to be scared, and it's also okay to move forward when you're scared. And I I think that's probably the the most important advice I could give regarding breaking out of that paralyzed state.

Fatima Bey: 10:30

Very good. I I always I have a saying for that, and I've I find myself saying it on the podcast quite often, actually. And that is it's not about it's not about feelings. It's about it's not a feeling, it's a decision. Make a decision and your feelings will follow the decision. You might feel the fear at first, but after a while, you're you're not scared. Just like we were scared when we first learned how to ride a bike. We keep riding it, and eventually you're not scared to ride a bike anymore. You know, um, but you're absolutely right. Being ab just, you know, as Nike says, just do it. Um really matters. Now, I want to take a deeper dive into a piece of what you just said. You say that doing things we don't feel like doing is what gives us the most freedom. That's a huge contrast for a young person who thinks that freedom means doing whatever we want and you know, whenever whenever they want. Um, how does discipline actually create more freedom than just following our impulses? We talked about it a little bit, but I want to take a deeper dive. How does that actually create freedom?

Daryl Dittmer: 11:36

Discipline is what I decide to do with my life and with myself over the course of time. I I believe discipline and consistency, I talk about a little bit in my in one of my books that that they are centuries on the path of me achieving and doing things and and moving, uh leveling up and moving forward. And and if I'm not disciplined and I'm not consistent about that discipline over time, it's it's seriously like a like a boat without an engine and a rudder. If it's just sitting there bobbing in the water, it's going wherever the water decides to go. As the tides change, as the currents change, all that sort of stuff, I'm just gonna go with the tide, I'm just gonna go with the current, and I can end up uh shipwrecked, I can end up or you know, run aground, I can end up anywhere, I can end up sunk. And I think it's really important, you know, that freedom for me, the freedom for me is is having created many disciplines for myself over the years, and some I've been really good at, some I've sucked at, some I've been inconsistent about. But, and that's okay. You know, it it's it's we we don't need to spend time beating the crap out of ourselves for things we didn't do. We need to spend our time uh employing that discipline in our lives. And for me, it's it's and it's been going on for a long time. It's it's daily practices, it's things that I that I will not compromise on. It's you know, whether it's business stuff or physical activity or uh, you know, things for my my mind and my heart and my soul and reading and those kinds of things. It's things that I don't compromise on. Now, do I do it perfectly? I don't do it perfectly, and that's okay. But but the consistent threat over time has brought me to a place where I wake up every day and I love my life. And I think that's that is what people want ultimately is to wake up every day and love your life. And what greater freedom could there be than that?

Fatima Bey: 14:04

So, what you're saying is for someone who's 16 and listening right now, the discipline they practice today will give them freedom to live their life how they want tomorrow.

Daryl Dittmer: 14:16

Absolutely. Absolutely. Uh, you know, and and and I'm a fan of I have to be, I have to be intelligent with myself. I can't just pound myself into the dirt every single day, and you know, you gotta do this, you gotta do that, and you gotta do that. Different things come up at different times, and different disciplines come up at different times. And there was a time when I was more focused on the discipline that I needed to have from a business perspective than I was necessarily at the things I needed to do for myself from a mental, emotional, and physical perspective. Um and as I grew older, I had to pay more attention to the physical, mental, and spiritual perspective, you know, and and as we grow older, we we can gather new things because one of the things that I've learned in my life, which I think is incredibly valuable and and I would say indispensable, is I haven't found out necessarily what works, but I have found out what doesn't work. And I don't do that stuff. You know what?

Fatima Bey: 15:30

And I think that's that's a great place to we can we can all I don't care how old you are, we can all learn that lesson. Find out what doesn't work and don't do that. That helps you to find out what does. And that's part of discipline. Yeah. Now let's talk about your books. You have a couple of books that I find interesting because they're similarly titled, yet so so different. So you have uh two books called When I Stop Fighting, and the other one is When You Stop Fighting. And I forget which one of them tells you tells people to get their head out of their ass. But you're but yet your philosophy is about pushing through fear, discomfort, which sounds a lot like a fight. So who or what should we stop fighting? What are you talking about?

Daryl Dittmer: 16:17

Well, uh the first book, When I Stop Fighting, and the subtitle is The Unexpected Joy of Getting My Head Out of My Ass, which was kind of tongue-in-cheek, but also very true. And and and I had to learn, and successful people will say this, and and and it doesn't necessarily mean financial success. I never mean financial success solely when I say success, but but people who are are you know enjoying their lives, whatever that is. And and so they will say, you know, it's probably somewhere in the you know, 10% neighborhood of people on this planet are really gonna enjoy their lives and as they go through them and they learn different things and this and that. So so for me, I had to ask myself, where do I want to be in that mix? Do I want to be the miserable 10%, or do I want to be the contented and fulfilled 10%? And I decided I wanted to be the contented and fulfilled 10%. So the big question is, what did I need to learn to stop fighting? Because life can be a fight. And that's okay. My wife and I were actually talking about that this morning. Am I attacking life or am I allowing life? And I think it's really important distinction because the fight is always with me. The fight is always with me. Whether I'm addicted to something, I'm overcoming dysfunction, I'm taking risks, I'm losing, I'm vulnerable, I'm all of these things, it's always with me. If I'm fighting drugs and alcohol, the fight isn't here. It's not the drugs and alcohol, it's me. And and so that's the fight where I need to alleviate that with myself so that I can experience life the way that it's meant to be. And a mentor of mine told me, told me a long time ago, he said, as I was, you know, I grew up with my dad being tough, my mom being tough. I'm like, you know, it was always rub some dirt on it, no pain, no gain, you know, all that sort of stuff. You're not hurt if there's not a bone sticking out or if you're not bleeding out. Yeah. Like, okay, fine. So I learned to be tough when I was a kid, and and I learned to fight problems. And they always talk about fight disease and fight this and fight that. And it's like, fight for everything. And and my mentor said to me as I was fighting my problems and he was watching me and listening to me fight problems. He said, Daryl, and I want everybody to take this home. When you stop fighting, the fighting stops. And that was absolutely a life changer for me because it doesn't mean stop trying. It doesn't mean don't go after life and and and work at things and try hard and all that stuff. I think all of those things are incredibly important. But I can spend so much time fighting myself and telling myself, well, you shouldn't be feeling that. You shouldn't be thinking that. Why did you say that? You're no good. What are you doing? You know, like all that sort of stuff. I'm, I can, I can stick myself in the mud if I choose to, or I can allow that fight with myself to, and it doesn't go away all at once. I'll I'll I'll say one more thing, Fatima, and I know I'm getting a little long-winded here, but there's a there's a chapter in my first book called The Ass Kicking Machine. And that's where I'm kicking my own ass all the time about stuff that I think I'm doing wrong. But here's the, and I did that for many, many years. But if you're trying harder, you're probably gonna make more mistakes. If you're, if you're out there, you know, on the edges and really giving it your all and going after life, there's a very good possibility that it's gonna hurt a little more and you're gonna run into more hurdles, and you're gonna run into things that you don't do exactly right. And that's okay. And that's where the fight is, you know, we and that's where the ass kicking machine needs to get turned off. Um, because because that's what we do to ourselves. We defeat ourselves, and and we don't have to continue to defeat ourselves.

Fatima Bey: 21:05

So, what you're saying is we should stop trying to work so hard at fighting and start embracing.

Daryl Dittmer: 21:15

Absolutely. Absolutely. And and because we can either live our lives, you know, looking through the windshield, or we can live our lives looking in the rearview mirror. Oh, I like that. And and normally, if I'm looking in the rearview mirror, it's because I'm regretting something, because I'm like, oh man, why did that happen? Why did I do that? Or why did they do that, or why is the world so screwed up, or all that sort of stuff. And where I should be focusing my attention is out the windshield. Okay, what's next? What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do to improve myself? Because if I improve myself, I'm improving the world. If I'm not improving myself, I'm detracting from the world. I truly believe that. And so that's where that's where the effort goes, that's where the emphasis goes, all in the windshield. What am I doing to make a better me?

Fatima Bey: 22:10

I I I like your stance on this as a little bit different than what I've heard from others. Uh, you're not denying the fight, but you're saying to basically mind shift the focus uh to building instead of fighting, because those are two different things.

Daryl Dittmer: 22:26

Absolutely. I have, I have, and I grew up being a fighter. I mean, I fought tooth and nail. I'm ready to go. Turn me on, man. Get me going. And uh, but but and and I will it, you know, I'm not a turn the other cheek guy. I am a if we're gonna fight, we're gonna fight. And if we're gonna talk, we're gonna talk. And if you're gonna ask me to be honest, I'm gonna be honest. But understand what you're asking me for because I'll be honest. And and so, you know, all of those things don't have to do with the fight with me. All of those things have to do with the fights outside of myself. And and as I calm internally and I allow myself some grace, and you know, somebody really intelligent said to me one time, if you're not confused, you're not trying hard enough. You know, as I went to them confused and like, oh man, what do I do next? You know, I just don't know what to do. And they're like, if you're not confused, you're not trying hard enough. And I think there's a lot of truth to that because the harder we're going at it, you know, it's it's easier to find myself in that state. And and and letting go of the fight means it's okay to be confused sometimes. It's okay to not feel good sometimes. It's okay to be worn out and take a break sometimes. You know, these are all the things that I can allow myself to do so that I can continue to move forward.

Fatima Bey: 24:02

Yes. Now, I I you have a um, we haven't gone over your your history of your life in this episode because that's another episode. But um I want I want people to understand that you're not just a guy who's talking out of concepts. You really have lived a full life full of a lot of stuff that you the principles that you teach about. Can you give us an example? And this is especially for my teenagers, of a mistake that you made in your life that has that has equaled to the wisdom that you have today.

Daryl Dittmer: 24:38

Oh man, there's just been the litany of mistakes that I've made in my life, you know, um there's been a ton. And the interesting thing is as I've grown older, um people say to me, and and this isn't a direct answer to the question, but I will I will get to it, Fatima, I promise. Um you know, there's there's I I'm a true believer that that the mistakes are opportunities for me to go in one direction or go in another direction. And there's always a crossroads, there's always times, and this happens so many times in our lifetimes, and it ha it's happened to me a million times. Um, but where do I go when I know what the right thing to do is, and I don't go there. I go and do the wrong thing for me, because because it's grinding at my guts, and I know I shouldn't do it, and I still do it. And and for me, one of the larger, you know, quote unquote mistakes in my life was was going down the road of doing drugs and doing, you know, hard drugs. And and and it was a it was a bad situation for, you know, and and I didn't do them for 20 years or 30 years. I don't I think that if I didn't get put into a treatment center, a drug and alcohol treatment center, I probably wouldn't be alive. Um and not necessarily because the drugs killed me, but because of what Daryl became that killed him. Um and whatever that was. And and it was not, it was a it was a very unhealthy human being that that that that disliked himself and disliked life and and had no hope uh at at 19 years old. And that's not a great place to be at 19 years old. You're supposed to be having fun, right? So so how has that changed me? And I and I think that I'm a true believer that it's darkest before the dawn. And and sometimes we have to go to places that we don't want to necessarily go. And we're not even, we don't even necessarily know we're going there, but our decisions bring us in that direction, and they bring us in a direction that that is not healthy for ourselves or for other people. Excuse me. And then the decision comes. Um, well, well, if I start making different decisions, that's where I look back at my mistakes and I say, yes, it was a terrible mistake. Yes, it was a terrible place to go, but it also catapulted me into the life or into a different life that I've built into a life that I love. So was it a mistake? Yes. But also, was it a stepping stone to a much better life because I went down so far, I could also go up so far. And and that's not an excuse for making mistakes, but but that's what can happen when we start making different and better decisions for us.

Fatima Bey: 28:10

The reason I ask you that is there's there's a 16-year-old young man listening right now who is has made mistakes or is in the process of making a mistake, maybe. And listening to what you just said to me would give me hope that, okay, maybe even if I make this mistake, I can get out of it. Not that we should make mistakes like you just said, but the reality is we have and we will. And that something better can come out of it. Um, but again, it's it's a choice. As you've, you know, basically stated all along, it's really more about the choice than the feelings. So let me ask you this: what advice do you have for the youth in the world today?

Daryl Dittmer: 29:04

I think one of the most important things to understand, and and it's something that I had to be shown and taught, was that the only person responsible for building the life that I want is me. Nobody else is going to do it for me. Nobody's going to take the reins and say, you know what, Daryl, I want you to be financially independent. I want you to be healthy. I want you to have peace of mind. I want you to have meaning or purpose. I want you to have wonderful relationships. Here you go. Here's all the stuff you wanted. It doesn't happen that way. Now, there are wonderful people that I've had in my life that have helped me along the way, and that's a lot of what I've put into my books is what people have helped me to do in terms of changing myself and my life. But but if there was one piece Of advice, it's it's you have to build your own life. Nobody's gonna build it for you. And and you the the sooner you start, the better off you're gonna be uh in terms of making those changes.

Fatima Bey: 30:16

Well, Daryl, where can people find you?

Daryl Dittmer: 30:18

Best place to find me is my website, which is uh darylditmer.com, D-A-R-Y-L-D-I-T-T-M-E-R dot com.

Fatima Bey: 30:29

And that will be in the show notes. He also can you tell us just briefly about your podcast?

Daryl Dittmer: 30:35

Sure. It's uh it's called When I Stop Fighting the Podcast. I know it was a tricky one coming up with that name, same name as my book. Um, but you know, it's it's so it was such a meaningful piece uh of advice for me to get. But but really what it is, it's it's it's dealing with life, it's everybody, you know, telling their story and diving deep into what happened, what was it like, and more importantly, and most importantly, how did you turn things around and what have you been doing to improve over the course of time? And you know, we have guests from from young folks to older folks to um I have a woman that I'm gonna have on. She's 82 years old and she's wonderful. And I just had a young lady on who was uh 24 years old, and she's absolutely wonderful. And and sharing those experiences and sharing perceptions of living and perceptions of of what needs to happen to improve and to step up and and uh and and those are the things that we talk about.

Fatima Bey: 31:48

I will say to the audience, um I I think that you should go listen to his podcast because one thing about Daryl, and one of the reasons that he's on the show is he doesn't do politically correct bullshit. He's just really honest, really raw, and straightforward and direct. There is no under, there's no undercurrent of anything else. He just says what he means. And that's a lot easier to listen to and to receive from um and to get solutions from. So um he does take a deeper dive into any different topics related to all of this. So if you really want to learn a little bit more um and hear more what he has to say on some of these other things, then you do want to listen to his podcast. Although he has guests, you're still gonna hear a lot of his his voice and opinions. Well, Daryl, thank you so much for coming on today. I'm really glad you came on. And my hopes is that you shifted a mind today, even if it's just one.

Daryl Dittmer: 32:42

Thank you, Fatima. It was really a wonderful conversation. I appreciate your very thoughtful questions and uh looking forward to hearing that we help some folks.

Fatima Bey: 32:54

And now for a mind-shifting moment. I want to point out something really important that Daryl said in today's episode. You are the only one at the end of the day for creating the life that you want to live. Whether career, whether through relationship, are you creating the life that you want to live? Now, if you're 16, you might not know what that is yet. Or you might know exactly what that is. Many of you do. Don't allow everybody else to tell you what life you should be living. Don't allow everybody else to determine your happiness or your misery. That's your choice. You are the only one that's going to make the life that you want to live. If you don't decide that you are going to make the life you want to live, everyone else and anyone else will do it for you. And that is guaranteed misery. Make the life you want to live. And do it now. You've been listening to Mind Shift Power Podcast for complete show notes on this episode, and to join our global movement, find us at FatimaBay.com. Until next time, always remember there's power in shifting your thinking.