When You Feel Like Giving Up on Your Kid (Episode 115)

Feeling like you’re out of options as a parent is terrifying, and too many of us are facing that quiet crisis alone. We sat down with teen and parent well-being coach Laura Ollinger to name what’s really happening—hopelessness and despair—and then replace it with a grounded approach that actually works in 2025. Together we unpack the limits of the old control-first playbook and build a new one around connection, clarity, and consistent follow-through.

Laura breaks down a balanced framework that pairs love and empathy with expectations and discipline. We talk about why “take the phone” rarely solves the real problem, how to set tech boundaries that protect sleep and safety, and how to explain the why so teens feel respected even when they disagree. You’ll hear a simple but powerful shift: focus on results over reactions. A slammed door is a moment; the long game is raising a person who knows they are valued and accountable.

We also explore what subtle disengagement looks like—endless scrolling, transactional parenting, and treating kids like roommates—and how to re-engage with short daily rituals that say you matter. Modeling repair becomes a standout skill: when parents own mistakes and apologize, they teach emotional maturity, earn respect, and strengthen the bond. Laura shares how she supports families through coaching, workshops, and even immersive in-home transformations, guiding both parents and teens toward calm, structure, and trust.

If you’ve been tempted to give up, this conversation offers a hopeful reset and a clear path forward. Subscribe, share this with a parent who needs it, and leave a review with the one boundary you’re committed to setting this week. Your choices teach worth—make them count.

🔗 Connect with Laura Olinger

🌐 Website: positivelyhealthycoaching.com

🎙 Podcast: Positively Healthy Mom Podcast

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome And Guest Introduction
• 1:41 Why Parents Feel Like Giving Up
• 4:06 Naming The Feeling: Hopelessness And Despair
• 6:00 Old Playbook Vs Modern Reality
• 8:20 Phones, Control, And Connection
• 10:15 Avoiding Extremes: Love And Expectations
• 13:30 Results Over Reactions In Parenting
• 16:05 Modeling Mistakes And Repair
• 18:10 Subtle Ways Parents Check Out
• 21:10 Gratitude Over Resentment
• 23:10 Services And How To Get Help
• 25:05 Mind‑Shifting Closing Message

Transcript

Fatima Bey: 0:02

This is Mind Shift Power Podcast, the number one critically acclaimed podcast where we have raw, unfiltered conversations that shape tomorrow. I'm your host, Fatima Bay, the Mind Shifter. And welcome everyone. Today we have with us Laura Ollinger. She is out of Texas in the USA. She is a teen and parent well-being coach. It's not often we get someone who can actually bridge that gap between teens and parents, but we have someone on today who's really good at it. One of the hardest things to do in 2025 is parenting. I really believe that. So, parents, this conversation is for you. How are you doing today, Laura?

Laura Ollinger: 0:54

I'm good. It's good to be here. Thank you.

Fatima Bey: 0:57

I'm really looking forward to this conversation and especially with you. So tell us today why are you on this podcast?

Laura Ollinger: 1:07

Yeah, man, I'm so glad you asked that. It's I know how passionately I feel about parenting. And when I find somebody that feels equally as passionate, I get excited because I feel like it's like the most important job in the world. I really do. And so I just want to share kind of my knowledge and also my passion for parenting.

Fatima Bey: 1:34

And we're gonna hear that. So I like to dive right in. So let's start off with this. A lot of parents won't admit it, but many are tempted to give up on their kids. From what you've seen, why do parents get to that point?

Laura Ollinger: 1:52

Man, that's that's it's it's a big question. Um, I think to simplify, the most simple answer is they just aren't equipped um emotionally, mentally, um, with the tools. They don't know how to do it. They don't know what to do. And so when they don't know what to do, they start to feel incompetent, like they're a failure. They start to feel scared. Uh, and it's just kind of easier to just say, hey, I'm putting my hands up, I'm out. And go ahead, sorry.

Fatima Bey: 2:32

No, go ahead. Go ahead.

Laura Ollinger: 2:35

Yeah, no, uh just as opposed to rolling up their sleeves and putting in the work because if you're at that point, there's obviously a reason, and it does require a lot of work. It requires one of the hardest things is introspection. So self-awareness, looking inward. Like, where is this coming from inside of me? And that can really dig up some pain for a lot of people.

Fatima Bey: 3:06

Yeah.

Laura Ollinger: 3:07

Um, because it generally, I hate to generalize, but I'm generalizing it generally stems from the way they were parented in their childhood. And that can be really messy and really painful for so many people. And so it's easier to just kind of like keep a block up and keep a wall up and not kind of connect with that. They're almost like disassociating from that. And so they're disassociating from their past, but then they're also disassociating from the present, the current time, because they're like, I can't do it.

Fatima Bey: 3:40

I want to go back to something you said in the very beginning of answering that. One key word that pops up. Now, the reason I'm having this episode is because in talking with, you deal with parents more than I do, but in talking with parents and school counselors, um, the people and community organizers and just people who work with parents and kids in general, this is a theme that I'm constantly hearing. It's an epidemic right now, with parents wanting to give up on their kids, and it's not being talked about. One of the key words that I think of is hopeless. Do you think that that is an accurate term for how a lot of parents are feeling right now?

Laura Ollinger: 4:23

Yeah, hopeless sounds uh right. I agree because when you're hopeless, it's like there's no other options, right? Like you're out of options. And I think when a parent is giving up on their child, that's exactly where they are. They're out of options.

Fatima Bey: 4:43

Right. I said I wanted to point that out because most people don't think of that word. They think of the explanation. They don't think of that actual word. And I want some of them listening right now to recognize that that's the term that goes with how they're feeling right now.

Laura Ollinger: 4:59

Yeah. And can I say something? I it it it kind of resonates with to me the word like despair. And and that's like one of despair is really one of the most, the most uh painful human emotions that there is, right? Like hope is when you have hope, that means, oh, there's a chance, oh, there's a possibility, even if it's just 1%. But when you are hopeless, you're down to zero, right? And that is like despair that's kind of like on uh on the equivalent of like total just yeah, giving up.

Fatima Bey: 5:34

Yeah. And I I I it's it's so hard to put words to it. It's just where a lot of parents are, and and want to do, I just want to talk about it and acknowledge it. So here's another thing that I find is an issue, and it's something I talk about on this podcast in various forms all the time. We were raised in a different world. It's not 1984, 1991, 1976. Many parents are still trying to parent with the old playbook. What happens when we try to use those old tools in today's reality?

Laura Ollinger: 6:13

Yeah. Um I think it just makes everything worse, to be honest. There are um when I think of the old school old playbook of parenting, I think of um harshness, I think of control, I think of punishment. Um the other thing I think of is the kind of uh a little bit checked out, kind of not involved. I think of, you know, back in the day when, you know, they told us to go play outside and don't come home until it's dark or or whatever. It's just, it was kind of like you're on your own. So um that just doesn't work because they're they're between the kind of the two things I just described, uh that's just a recipe for disaster.

Fatima Bey: 7:00

Yes. So what happens is people check out. The k and the kids check out from listening to what we have to say when we're not being relatable. Is that a good way to say it?

Laura Ollinger: 7:13

Yeah. Yeah. If and I I I'm gonna use this whole cell phone and technology thing as an example, but it's just an example. It really relates to every other thing that's going on in today's society. But parents don't understand how crucial that is for a teenager to feel connected.

Fatima Bey: 7:37

Exactly. Yeah.

Laura Ollinger: 7:38

And it's the very first thing that almost every parent I've seen it's their go-to as far as trying to control the child. That's it. I'm taking your phone, I'm taking your phone, I'm taking your phone. Like I can't tell you how many times I hear parents say, I'm taking your phone. You don't get your phone this weekend, you don't get it tonight, you don't get it, right? And it's just like it's very um what? It's very uh I don't know, it's kind of giving me this feeling of um disgust, almost inhuman, because and I'm not making an argument, by the way, that a teenager should have their phone 24-7 or access 24-7. I'm actually not saying that at all. Like there does need to be some structure in place. You can't just hand a kid a phone and be like, good luck. Hope you don't run into any weird psychos out there who try to take your money and sixthort you. Right.

Fatima Bey: 8:34

It's not that real, right?

Laura Ollinger: 8:36

Because then there's, you know, it's not that at all. But when a parent resorts to some type of tactic, and that's typically the one to try to get cooperation, that just doesn't work either. And and I'm talking specifically about teenagers, but really any kids, no person wants to be controlled. Like we're humans, we don't operate that way, we resist.

Fatima Bey: 9:02

Yes. And um I want to ask you this. So, because I think this is a big one, and it really could be a whole episode by itself. Parents are afraid of two extremes. At least American parents, anyway. Being too harsh and losing their kid, you know, being that militant disciplinarian, or being too soft and losing authority, which is, you know, being that that rug that the kid walks all over, they can disrespect you anytime. How do how do parents stay balanced without giving up or going to those two extremes?

Laura Ollinger: 9:43

That is kind of the pinnacle of what my work is about. So uh hard to sum it up in just a a short answer. However, if you if if I had to, it would just be the two simple concepts of love and expectations or um discipline. Like the expectations and discipline kind of go together, and love and empathy kind of go together and combine those things together.

Fatima Bey: 10:16

Go ahead and break that break that down, Laura.

Laura Ollinger: 10:18

Yeah. So for example, I'm gonna set up a boundary or an expectation for my child because I love them. So say I'm a parent who doesn't want to their kid to have their phone in their room at night, it's because I love them and because I care. If I had no rules whatsoever, then that would just mean kind of I either A, I'm just not a strong enough person or a leader to be able to implement them, but B, it means I don't care. And so when a parent, so so when a parent who's too soft, the one that the pain the child's walking all over, that's the parent that really needs to see themselves identify themselves more as the leader in the role model. And and we're not friends with our kids where they're parent. There's a power differential. Yes. But that doesn't mean that we're taking advantage of the power differential. It just means that it exists. And so kids feel loved when they feel safe. The number one thing I always say is safety, safety, safety. That means emotional safety, physical safety, psychological safety, every type of safety. And so those parents who are just letting their kid do whatever or walk all over them, their kid probably doesn't feel safe. They probably need, or they they definitely need those uh parameters or those boundaries in place. And it will be amazing, kind of the the shift that happens. They think, oh gosh, I'm just setting myself up for fights or whatever if I do that. But no, it's actually the opposite. Like you'll actually, your your child will, and and I'm not I'm careful to use the word respect because I think respect has to go both ways. Yes, I agree. The parent needs to respect the child, but the child needs to respect the parent. And so when we're too soft, we just like are not even setting up an environment for any type of respect. And then the kind of the opposite end, like you were talking about that militant style, they're really lacking that warmth and empathy and connection. And and are you um, you know, how are you feeling about this thing? And and I understand why you might be mad that I took your phone. That makes total sense to me. And I'm doing it because I care about you, right? And so it sometimes people, kids don't like just blanket rules without an explanation. They need to understand like there's a reason behind it. And you know, kids can bring they're they're logical people. Like if they hear to from the parent, this is why. Look, they don't have to agree, they don't have to be happy about it, but at least they understand.

Fatima Bey: 12:51

Right. They can still have an attitude. So you can still have an attitude, be pissed off that I took your phone, but don't be disrespectful. That's that's right, that's that balance. And uh yeah, I I sometimes unfortunately, when I hear other people giving parenting advice, they're giving this fluffy, ideally, you know, oh little Johnny, don't I don't want you to be upset. No, little Johnny, it's okay you pissed off right now, but I'm doing this because it's better for you. When you have those conversations, they might be. I think sometimes, and you can uh respond to this, Laura. I think sometimes people don't recognize there's a difference between response and results. When it comes to parenting, we need to be more focused on results than response, correct?

Laura Ollinger: 13:41

I love that. I think that is so such a great way to put it because yeah, we're so, we're so um, we kind of not we, but people tend to get overly sensitive about the response. Like, oh my gosh, they slammed the door, or oh my gosh, they yelled at me, or oh my gosh, they did this, and oh my, and it's like so reactive. Like it's very reactive. And it's like that's not, I mean, imagine if like that's how the world ran. I mean, maybe it does, but that's not ideal. We don't want to just be reactive. We want to be proactive. We want to be planning, we want to be kind of using our prefrontal cortex because we're the adult and we want to be the planner. And if we can see the big picture, that's our job to kind of see how all these pieces are gonna come together. Then yeah, it's like we need to be more focused on that part, the overall process.

Fatima Bey: 14:35

I have a quote that I think that you'll find interesting. I have uh, well, the audience may or may not know this, but I have over 500 of my own quotes. I'm not exaggerating. When you see me posting stuff all over social media, those are literally all my own words. They're not all quotes, sometimes they're words of wisdom, but one of them is that I say that, uh, and I don't even remember how I worded this, because they come to me in moments and I write them down. But parenting isn't just about developing the child, it's also developing the parent. And I think when parents don't recognize that, sometimes they unnecessarily beat themselves up because they think they're supposed to be perfect, which is a bunch of bullshit. There's no such thing as a perfect parent. Well, there is. There is perfect parents do exist. All we have to do is close our eyes and then we'll find them. But but I mean reality, they don't, even the best of best parents made mistakes. And that's just that's just normal, honestly, right?

Laura Ollinger: 15:35

Well, I think it's crucial that a parent almost does make mistakes because that way it's a model for the teenager of, hey, I messed up. Can you accept my apology? Um, let's repair this. And I'm sorry, I messed up. And that way, when the teenager messes up, they don't feel so bad about themselves because they're like, oh yeah, this is normal. My mom or my dad has modeled mistakes and repair for me.

Fatima Bey: 16:00

Yes. And let me tell you, I'm gonna add to that. One of the key things that parents don't think about, they try to hide their mistakes and lie to the kids. Trust me, you ain't lying to nobody, they know, even if they don't say anything to you. You ain't lying to nobody, they know. But what matters isn't the mistake, but how we deal with it, right? Yeah. Because when when a when a kid sees that we were wrong and we adulted, had an adult response and we admitted it and made a change so we don't make that mistake again, that teaches that child a skill that's going to get them promotions, that's gonna get them ahead in business, that's gonna get them ahead in relationships. Am I right?

Laura Ollinger: 16:41

Oh my gosh. I mean, I'm nodding. You can't, and I know the audience can't see me, but um, yes, I'm like nodding big time because yeah, I mean, that is if if everybody could master that, think of it uh what a different world would be. And um, the other thing about that is talk about earning or gaining respect from your child. If you can own up to your mistake, oh my gosh, that child will respect you all times more than if you try to lie about it, cover it up, pretend like it didn't happen, whatever it might be. Oh my gosh. Oh, yeah. I mean, it because it's a sign, it's a true sign of strength that someone can say, hey, I screwed up, it's on me, it's my bad, you know, please forgive me.

Fatima Bey: 17:25

Yeah, that's uh that's a yeah, that's a really big deal. That key word respect. And one of the ways you win respect isn't being perfect, it's admitting when you're not. Because even just think about it, outside of parenting, when you see someone cover up their their wrongs, you don't respect them. But when you see someone go through the vulnerability of admitting their mistake and then trying to write it, you do gain respect for that person. Parents are not, yeah, and that's just a human thing. And don't forget, parents are humans, at least most of you. So, you know, um, but let me, I wanna, I wanna really uh uh go back to to um what we talked about in the beginning, because we talked about parents checking out or giving up, but I think a lot of times people don't recognize what that actually looks like. So, what are the subtle ways parents check out without even realizing it? Like the signs that they're emotionally given up, or even even though they're still physically present.

Laura Ollinger: 18:27

Yeah. I mean, I think just like with almost everything that I do and talk about, there is kind of a spectrum with this. But the most, I would say, like visible sign is the parent who is staring at their phone all the time, or staring at their computer all the time, or staring at their TV all the time, or um, you know, they're physically there, but they're not engaged, they're not having conversation, they're not checking in with their child. I'm not saying you have to talk to your kid for an hour every day. I'm saying two minutes there, good morning, let me hug you. How did you sleep? You know, get home from school, hey, you know, um, what was the best part of your day? Just small, simple things are what we're looking for. And so when a parent isn't doing that, when they're giving up, they're either on their devices, they're just occupying, they're kind of like it's it's almost like self-medication, um, overstimulated. They're, they don't, they're trying to like really calm their nervous system. And so whatever that might be, it could be phone, it could be drugs or alcohol or any kind of thing that is a coping mechanism that we kind of classify as like an unhealthy healthy. So when a parent is going to some type of a coping mechanism, it's a way to calm their nervous system. They're like overstimulated and and they just need to calm themselves. And so that's where um kind of part of what I do is is help everybody just get emotionally regulated because that's how we connect.

Fatima Bey: 19:54

So would you say an example would be of someone who's kind of checked out um as a parent, is oh, uh, I don't really care what little Johnny does. I'm I don't really ask about his friends, I don't ask about how his day was at school, I don't really get involved in his personal life. I just provide a house and some food and give him rides. Is that a form of checking out?

Laura Ollinger: 20:24

That's a hundred percent. A hundred percent. I mean, that talk about making a kid feel just like they're either a burden or a nuisance or a roommate. Like a kid doesn't feel that they have a parent if that's all that's happening.

Fatima Bey: 20:37

Right. A parent isn't just about being a provider, that's a piece of the pie, it's not the whole pie. Um, but I I've said that because I think that it at least in the US, that's a huge problem is the kids are raising themselves. And they're not being taught anything. Um when and I want to say this to parents, and Laura, you can chime in here. When it comes to when it comes to parenting, I think one of the things that uh parents a lot sometimes don't realize, maybe because of how they were raised, but whatever you don't teach them, society will. And that's fucking scary.

Laura Ollinger: 21:15

Oh, really? Yes. Yeah. Which is why the very first thing I said is parenting is the most important job of the world, and I can't emphasize that enough because and then and those give up parents are gonna be like, well, I don't care what my kid learns. It's like, you no offense, but you should, you should care, you should care.

Fatima Bey: 21:37

So we only we only talked about a couple of the subtle ways that parents check out, but we could have a whole episode just on that. But let me ask you this if there's one mind shift you want parents to walk away from this conversation, one thought that would keep them from giving up, what would that be?

Laura Ollinger: 22:00

Oh man, I love that question so much. And I really just want to um bridge from the last thing we were just talking about, which is the thing that came to my mind is that I think a lot of times, or probably a good portion of the time when those parents are giving up and they're just providing the house and the rides and the food or whatever, a lot of parents I think are just resentful of their kids. They resent that it's they're costing them money. Like you're a pain in my butt, you cost me money, you eat my food, you don't say thank you, you're not grateful. Um, you're just kind of like a nuisance. And the thing that I would want to share is to completely really attempt to flip that on its head and realize what a blessing it is. I don't know if everybody likes that word, but that's the word I use. Blessing. Yeah, I like that word too. It's a human, it's a child. You brought them into this world. I would love every parent to just have some gratitude. And it's so ironic because what they want is their kid to have gratitude, but the pain needs to start from the parent. The parent needs to have gratitude that they have this child in their life. There's so much gift in that. So that's that's what I would say. Just just be thankful for this human, be thankful for them.

Fatima Bey: 23:21

Girl, this is why I had you on. You just said a powerfully impactful statement right there. It's probably the biggest thing you've said. Maybe ever. You know, it's yeah, yeah, they're not just a burden, they're a gift, they're an opportunity for you to make a difference in the world. You have a chance to shape a life that might go on to shape other lives. That's a big freaking deal. Yeah. You know, it's also why some parents, the good ones, you know, feel uh pressured, and understandably so. But at the end of the day, like I said, parenting isn't just about shaping the child, it's also about shaping the parent. Because now you're learning how to be a better human now that you have to take care of one, now that you have to raise one, now that you have to realize, oh, I gotta be responsible for what comes out of my mouth. Oh, I need to care about my attitude because they're learning to be a jerk to people like me, whatever it is, you know, whatever it is, or to be nice and giving, whatever it is. But I think what you just said is is extremely powerful to be grateful. So, Laura, you do a lot. Um, I know that you you're really good at speaking and doing seminars. So, what services do you offer and and how can people find you?

Laura Ollinger: 24:37

Yeah, thank you. Um, I the easiest way to find me is my website, positively healthycoaching.com. And my services are I have a kind of a gamut from one-on-one coaching. Um, and by the way, one-on-one is never one-on-one. Um, people come to me and they say, here, fix my child. My child has a problem. And I say, Yes, and you will be involved with this process. Um, I will be coaching the parent as well. Um, and so I do that coaching, but I also um a deeper level I have of that is something that's pretty intense. And I don't accept, well, I don't accept every client that comes my way in the first place for the one-on-one coaching, but I also offer an in-home transformation, which is I'll actually come live with a family for four days and I will come in your house. Yes.

Fatima Bey: 25:24

Wait, I didn't see that on your site. What?

Laura Ollinger: 25:26

Yes, yes, it's not listed. It's not listed. Um, I will come in your home and I will uh transform it. And that includes coaching. Like we're gonna coach, we're not gonna just get everything done in four days, but we're gonna change a lot in four days. I would say 80% changes in four in those four days, and then the 20% is kind of the maintenance and the kind of tweaking, tweaking things as we go. Um, and then after that, yeah, I do workshops for parents, workshops for teenagers, um, keynotes, speaking, all the stuff. And I do have my own podcast. It's called the Positively Healthy Mom Podcast. So yep, those are those are all the things I do.

Fatima Bey: 26:03

Wow, you do a lot more than I thought. Um I didn't know about the wow, that's different. I'll talk to you about that after we're done recording. Now thank you, Laura, so much for coming on. I've absolutely love, love, love, love talking to you. Um, and I look forward to our other conversations. And you've you've been a treat. And I hope that parents out there listening really recognize there's somebody out there who is positive but not full of fluff, who's real and relatable, um, and realize that's you. Thank you so much. And now for a mind-shifting moment. Parents listening right now, I want you to understand something very deeply. As we stated earlier in this episode, parenting is not easy, it's a challenge. It's the life your life's biggest challenge, really. It's hard. But I want you to also understand a different perspective that you're probably not thinking about. What it feels like to be given up on. Your child is growing up, they're deciding who they are, they're learning what their value is. The first place we learn what our value is is at home. And when we give up on them, we send all kinds of messages, we make all kinds of statements that our mouth may never have. You see, as parents, everything that we do makes a statement, whether we want it to or not. Some are good and some are bad. Quite frankly, that's normal. But when we give up on our children, whether they're in the house or you sent them to live with grandma, we send the message that you're not worthy. Now, if you have a child who already has low self-esteem, and most of the ones who do don't realize that that's the case, and they're the ones that we have the biggest problems with 90% of the time. If someone already has low self-esteem, when you give up on them, what you say is, I am confirming that you're a piece of shit. No, that's not the message you want to send, but I'm letting you know is the one that's received. When we give up on our children, when we stop disciplining them, we stop giving efforts at what's going to be better for them and focus on what's going to be better for us. We send the message to confirm their bad feelings about themselves, to confirm those bad thoughts about themselves in their head. And once you do that, the damage is almost permanent. They will go through life accepting relationships they should not because they don't think they're worth anything. If my own parent doesn't want me, how worthy can I be? How can I be worth anything if my own parent doesn't want me? I just want you to think about that. This is not about a guilt trip, but about reality. You have to think about what's going on in their developing brain. And I don't mean developing because of their age, I mean developing their sense of self, their sense of worth, and how you respond right now is shaping that and or confirming something, good or bad. I want you to think about that because I know that damage. You've been listening to my shape to power podcast for complete show notes on this episode. And to join our global movement, find us at FatimaBay.com. Until next time, always remember, there's power in shifting your thinking.