He's Family - I'm Safe (Episode 141)

Someone you call “brother” should be the safest person in the room, not the biggest risk. That’s why this conversation hits so hard: Coco (Floco), a relationship and family coach from Akwa Ibom State, Nigeria, tells the story of being 14, home alone, and opening her bedroom door to someone her family trusted completely. What followed was an attempted molestation that only stopped because help happened to be nearby.

We unpack what her experience reveals about child sexual abuse prevention and child safety in real life: why “stranger danger” is incomplete, how familiarity and access create vulnerability, and how quickly grooming can hide behind kindness. Coco shares the trauma aftermath too, including how one event can shrink your trust, change how you relate to male relatives, and make you constantly scan for danger even when nothing is happening.

Then we get practical for parents and caregivers. We talk about age-appropriate sex education, consent, boundaries, secrecy red flags, and grooming signs like gifts that come with expectations. One of the biggest takeaways is simple but powerful: teach kids to ask questions and make it normal to tell you everything. That habit builds critical thinking and makes it harder for anyone to manipulate your child with lies, pressure, or “don’t tell your mom.”

If you care about safer homes, healthier family boundaries, and raising kids who feel confident speaking up, listen now. Subscribe, share this with a parent or caregiver, and leave a review with the one safety conversation you think every family should have.

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Transcript

Welcome And Guest Introduction

Fatima Bey 0:04

This is MindShift Power Podcast, the number one critically acclaimed podcast where we have raw, unfiltered conversations that shape tomorrow. I'm your host, Fatima Bay, the Mind Shifter. And welcome everyone. Today we have with us Floco. She is out of Aqua Ibom State in Nigeria, and she is a relationship and family coach. And she's here to talk about an aspect of child rearing and uh through the lens of an experience that she had that I think is relatable to a lot of people in the world. How are you, Coco?

Koko 0:46

I'm fine. Thank you, Fatima. Nice to meet you again.

Fatima Bey 0:50

Yes. So I like to dive right in to the conversation. So let's start off by giving the audience a background on why we're having this conversation. So tell us what happened to you when you were 14 and who it happened with.

The Attempted Assault At 14

Koko 1:05

Okay, so um when I was 14, I came home for a meeting break. And um there's this guy I was growing up with. I see him as a brother, of course. And um he was living with us at that time, sponsored by my dad, going to school. In fact, it was just like a family, and um I trusted him, of course. So um when I came back for that meeting break, there was nobody at home. My dad went to work and my mom wasn't at home at the time, and then I heard a knock in my room and I opened the door and I saw him. I was shocked because he was not meant to come to my room. But the trust I had for him, I was like, is there any problem? Can I help you? And he said he wants to come in, so I allowed him to come in. And when he came in, uh things started changing. He was asking me some weird questions um about my sex organ, if anybody has um tempered with me or something. I was like, where is this coming from? Before I know it, this guy was coming into my room to molest me because my parents were not around. And I started screaming, I started shouting, and the only thing that helped me out in that situation was my dad's um staff that was at home. So he heard my voice and he ran into my room and met the guy. They started fighting, you know, he defended me and took the guy out. And uh after when my dad came back, he was arrested, and this really traumatized me in a way because I mean, someone you lived in, you you you lived with and you grew up with thinking, oh, this is your brother, this is his family, is the one trying to molest you instead of protecting you. So it was a very shocking situation, but I thank God nothing happened to me and he did not get his way to me. Yeah. And that was just because I had someone at home. Because if I didn't have someone at home, maybe he would have had his way.

Fatima Bey 3:11

So let me ask you this. This was obviously shocking to you at the time. Did you see any signs ahead of time that this was coming?

Koko 3:22

No, I never did because um when everybody is at home, you know, he's just like a brother, you know, taking care of you, you know, teaching you how to read, how to do things, like you know, a normal brother senior brother should do. So there was no sign at all that he can even try something of sort. So it was really shocking to me, honestly. Okay.

Fatima Bey 3:48

So so Coco, your guard was down because this person, like you said, if he felt like family, so you thought you were safe. He had been in your life, he had been in your life since you were young, right? Yeah. Since I was born. Right. Well wow. And that is that's very telling. How does that level of familiarity

Why Familiarity Creates Vulnerability

Fatima Bey 4:08

make a child vulnerable? Or teenager? In this case, when I say child or teenager, I mean it interchangeably. How does that level of familiarity make a child vulnerable in a way that a stranger never could?

Koko 4:24

Yeah, yeah. The truth is, um see growing up, seeing this person as a family, you will never, as a child, have in your mind that he can try to molest you. So you'll be very vulnerable because the truth is if a stranger was the one knocking at my door, I wouldn't help, I wouldn't open my door, I won't let a stranger come into my room. So it makes a child very vulnerable because you feel, okay, this is your family, I'm safe with this person, and I'm supposed to trust this person. So nothing of sort will come into your head till something like that happened. Because when that happened it it was a very shocking situation to me. I couldn't even wrap my head around this whole thing because I was like, I thought he's my brother, you know, because I call him brother, and I was like, I thought I called him brother. So and the truth is a stranger cannot even be left with me at home. So if it was a stranger and I was the only one at home, my parents wouldn't even allow him to stay at home. At that time, they know that I was at home. So um the trust is from both the parents and me. Like, you know that this person is not harmful, so that is when the vulnerability comes in, and you'd be like, ah, so I am not even served with the family. So it's it's really traumatizing, honestly. I was traumatized.

Fatima Bey 5:54

I I let's talk about that traumatization a little bit because I don't think a lot of times well, first of all, let me back up and say this. And this I'm saying this for the audience's sake, not yours. Yeah. What you what you experienced, a lot of other people have experienced, but mostly with worse outcomes. Um where the molestation actually took place, or people still allow the person to stay around and act like it wasn't a big deal, which I don't understand that, but um your how did that when you said it's traumatizing, explain what that means.

Trauma And Trust Afterward

Fatima Bey 6:32

How did this affect your trust with people and future relationships?

Koko 6:37

Yeah, it really does, because going forward from that day, I did not trust any any male, like any male family member around me, uh, whether old or young, and I was being too conscious of my environment. I was being too conscious of anybody who is sitting close to me or who wants to get access to me as a friend. I I now carried in my head that oh nobody should be trusted. Inasmuch as when I was growing up, I was um taught about sex education really early by my parents to look out for this, this, this, and that in case somebody wants to make this move, in case somebody saying this to me and all of that. But then that very situation with that guy also elect me to understand that nobody should be trusted. So it really helped me to put myself to check and actually reduced my my trust for people. I'm not gonna lie. It makes me see people like this one is just nice, but I think if I'm alone, he might try to do something silly to me. So I I did not trust people. Both my cousins. Um, I remember once in a year that my cousin came visiting, so we're just playing some games, and then it was night, and he was still around my room, and I told him, Please can you stand up and leave my room? He was really shocked. He was like, Is there a problem? I said, No, it's actually late, so just go to the boys' room. I just want to be alone, I don't want you to be here anymore. So that situation made me to kind of protect myself too. So with male folks around me, whether you're my brother, my cousin, friend, family members, I don't care. I just want to keep myself alone. I don't want people to be like, especially male folks that close to me, no.

Fatima Bey 8:38

Yeah. You know, there's some I I didn't bring any numbers to this conversation. I brought them on other episodes, but it's something like 80%, um, roughly, uh somewhere around there, of sexual assaults that happen happened by people we know. And, you know, the numbers that I have are for the US, but I I don't know what the numbers are on an international scale, and it's saying that because you're in Nigeria, but I don't believe that it's a US issue. I think it's just in general. Um Yeah, the East General. It that it it's it's very upsetting to me when I hear stories like this because it's I understand the trauma that you're talking about and the the residual effects or the snowball effects of what took place because now your trust in humanity has been dramatically reduced, and especially around men, and it's making you push people away who aren't even thinking about doing anything to you simply because you're like, if I didn't know that so and so was gonna come after me, how do I know that my cousin isn't? And you know, that's uh that that can put a damper on relationships and your whole life. Of course, you know and and you don't even you can't back away from that, right? Because you how you how you gonna trust someone again? And there's a lot of people around the world right now who are living what you just explained. Um but they don't have the healthy means around them like you did to kind of deal with it. So the good thing about you is that you the good thing for for you is that your um the it was one of your father's staff that happened to be around in the house and heard you screaming. What I mean, I don't even want to what would have happened if he wasn't there? I'm not looking for you to answer that question, but just that that thought. What would happen if he wasn't there? You know, how what kind of damage would have been done then? And you know, and the good thing is you said your father, what happened after you told your

What Parents Must Talk About

Fatima Bey 10:45

father?

Koko 10:45

Uh he was arrested by my dad, and then my dad had to stop sponsoring him because at the time he was like almost being adopted out of the family from his own family to our family. So my dad was the one raising him and sending him to school. So he was arrested, and my dad stopped paying his fees and then returned him back to the parents.

Fatima Bey 11:09

So that was it. I I wanted you to explain, I remember you telling me that, and I wanted you to explain it to the audience because I want them to see just how deep the relationship went um for between your father and this young man and your whole family, because they he literally was like family. And there's a lot of people listening right now who have people around the house who are technically not blood related to them and they're like family. There's nothing wrong with that. It's a beautiful thing often. But um whether they share the same blood or not, you you do have to be careful. Now, of course. Um most parents warn their children about strangers, but like you said, but you were not hurt by a stranger. What conversation are parents not having that they absolutely need to have with their kids?

Koko 11:59

A lot. You know, um sometimes I feel like parents don't have hard-to-heart talk all the time with these teenagers, and they need to do more of that because um the people we we think are safe with our kids are mostly the ones who molest our kids, are mostly the ones who harm our kids, because sometimes it it is very hard for a total stranger to come in and hurt your child. So I think the conversation that parents should often have with their kids, teenagers, the grown-ups, is protect yourself. Don't trust anybody. As a mother that I am, I I have trust issues, not because of what literally happened to me, but because of how the world is. I have seen that um most of the time the people we are very vulnerable with are the ones who hurt us the most, especially when it comes to do with kids, that they know that oh, they can, you know, brainwash them and try to tell them lies. So it is our duty as parents to let our kids know the things they're supposed to know on time. Talk to them about these things, let them understand that oh, this person that is your relative can actually do what a total stranger can do to you too. So you need to protect yourself and you also need to communicate because it's when you are communicating with your child, when you're very close to your child, that is when they can open up things to you. Majority of the time, these teenagers go through a whole lot from the people we love and people that are close to us, and they are not telling us the parents. Why? Because we're not having that conversation with them. Um, often the time parents feel that oh, um, she is too young or he is too young for me to talk about this with or for me to discuss this with. It's not true. Parents need to start talking to their kids, let your child understand that don't allow this person to be in this space with you, don't trust this person to do this with this person. If anybody is telling you something and is telling you, oh, don't tell your mom, don't tell your dad, I'm going to tell them myself. No, you have to have that close relationship with your children that they can tell you everything and anything that is being discussed with them by strangers. Because the truth is that whatever you're hiding from your child, that thing that you feel like, oh, they shouldn't know it now, I don't want to discuss it with them now. A stranger is going to discuss it with them. Yeah, and they will believe that stranger over you. Yes, that's the truth. They will believe the stranger over you if you don't tell them on time. So you ought to talk hard-to-hard talk with this children every other time. Let them know that this is not appropriate, this is appropriate. Don't go here with this person, don't allow this person to talk you into this thing. Whatever they are telling you, let me know about it. Create that safe space for your child to communicate with you all the time. If not, that child is gonna be spoiled by total strangers or even your loved ones under your roof, and you will not know anything about it.

Fatima Bey 15:15

Yes, and yeah, I think what you just said is so key, and I've talked about this at length. Um, even when I'm being a guest on other people's podcasts, I've said some of the same stuff you're saying. Whatever you don't discuss with them is it is an open space for the devil to creep in. Like that's just how we have to think about it. Because if you don't talk to your children about what grooming looks like, what you know approaching you for something sexual or or something bad looks like, they're not gonna recognize it. And they're gonna feel safe. Yeah, of course. And they're gonna feel false, I should say they're gonna feel falsely safe. Children should feel safe, but they should also be aware of their surroundings. The good thing is that if you your parents, like you said, your parents taught you, but what they didn't teach you was how to recognize it from someone you trusted, because most parents aren't thinking that because they don't think they have to. And I think what you're saying is, yeah, you have to, you have to tell them what grooming looks like. So when you were talking to parents and what what details are you giving them about what to look for? Like, don't let a person touch you this way when a person keeps uh uh bringing you gifts and asking for something in return, they're trying to groom you. Like you may use different words than I'm than I'm using right now, but what do you what what do you want to say to parents who um like what details should they be teaching their children from in uh toddler on up?

Gifts Grooming And Teaching Questions

Koko 16:48

Yeah, um firstly, you need to teach your children confident. They need to be confident enough to ask questions. You know, okay, fine, you're giving me this. What is it for? What intention do you have for giving me this gift? You know, um quickly, I remember when I was in um in um high school and I I got a gift from a friend, it was a girl school, so I was like, I don't want the gift, and she was like, Why not? I said, I don't know why you're gifting me the gift, and because my parents are gonna question me and ask me why I take the gifts. And she was like, No, it's because I like you and I want us to be friends, and that's why I'm gifting you to show you that I really like you. And I said, Okay, so um when my parents are coming for visiting there, I'm going to discuss it with them, and maybe you you meet with them so you can gift so um they can be clear with our friendship if it's genuine or not, because I don't really know because this was a senior student ahead of me. So um that was because my parents taught me you don't take gift from people without knowing their intentions behind the gift, so you don't just see somebody tell you, Oh, I love you, and then they gift you something because sometimes these people give to these things to buy your mind off. So when they start gifting you something, you start feeling close to them without even knowing. So when somebody gifts you something, you need to know the intention behind the gift. Why are you gifting me? And most of the times, these teenagers they are not taught to ask questions, they are not taught to, you know, be confident. So sometimes they gift them something and they even hid it from their parents, they don't show it to their parents, they just keep it to themselves, you know, and with time that thing grew. Maybe there's someone that is trying to, you know, lure them into molestation and all that, and they start giving them gifts, start showing them love, start taking them to some places after school. And just because you don't have open conversation with your kids, they are not gonna tell you. They won't tell you, you know. So those things that you don't talk to your children about, that stranger is gonna talk to them about it. And before you know it, something bad will happen to them. And that is when you know, because there's something I always tell parents. You might not know when things are going on slowly, but when the bad thing happens, you will know. You will know. If you're not friends with them, you will know only when something bad happens. Because at a point when something bad happens to them, the stranger might run away or disappear in their life and they will be vulnerable enough to come and tell you. Yes. So let your children know that yeah. I'm sorry, go ahead. Okay, so you let your children understand that whoever is trying to come close to you have intentions, either good or bad. So discuss it and also let your parent know about it. Oh, this person is trying to talk to me about this thing. Do you think it's right? Do you think, yeah, if you're not close to them, you'll not have all those informations.

Fatima Bey 20:01

That's the truth. Yes, you you just said a lot. And I think one of the key things I want to um emphasize that you said is parents are not teaching their children to ask questions. Yeah. And I think there's a balance. I think you can't run around in fear all the time and you know, kind of hide under a cloak and and say, What are you doing? What are you doing? Because then you just become a crazy person if you're too untrusting with people. But but uh being taught to ask questions is a good thing. And now for a mind-shifting moment. Coco said a key thing that I think all of us need to think about. Are you asking questions? I don't mean that you need to run around in fear and be scared of everything, but that doesn't mean that you need to be naive either. Are you asking questions? When you're in a relationship, are you asking questions? When people are want to spend a lot of time with your children, are you asking questions? Are you teaching them to ask questions? What that boils down to, the root of that is critical thinking. If we don't teach our children who become teenagers, who become young adults, if we don't teach our children to ask questions, it actually does make it easier for them to be a victim of someone who wants to answer those questions the wrong way with the wrong answers. So when it comes to your own relationships, how you who you keep around you and people's intentions around you, are you asking questions?

Mind Shifting Takeaways And Closing

Fatima Bey 21:50

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